Firstborn

While they were there, the time came for the baby to be born, and she gave birth to her firstborn, a son.
-Luke 2:6-7



Firstborn holds a lot of responsibility.

He is the one who leads the way. A trailblazer. Icebreaker. He sets the bar for those who come after, and is who younger ones look up to.

The road is unclear. There are no maps that direct which way to turn, where to go, when to get there. So the firstborn must forge a trail previously never stepped upon. And when the path proves a bit overgrown, He looks to His Father to show the way.

From the firstborn many appear. Bloodlines thicken, populations multiply. When you see one, others are sure to follow.

The firstborn is strong. He must hold his own and take on the world that is so unknown to eyes that see land and life for the first time through flesh. He is resilient. If something doesn’t turn out the way it should, He continues on to make it right.

He is caring, gentle, patient and kind. He looks after those in His care. When they hurt, He bleeds, too. When they smile, His heart rejoices. He encourages the downcast and propels them to a sky of dreams. He will make even the most stubborn of hearts crave His approval.

Love lives inside Him. Light spills from His eyes. His touch soothes. He knows His destiny, and steps towards it with determination. And from afar, His Father watches, waiting until the day He returns home, task completed, and has set the world in motion. In His Son, this firstborn, this selfless servant, the Father is well pleased.

And what pleases the Son, the right and true firstborn? Knowing the lives He’s cared for are well secured and safe.


Prayer:
Lord Jesus, You came into a cold, cruel world to mark a life of love, to set an example we are to follow. You were the firstborn, in every sense of the word. In life, in sacrifice, and for caring about my heart. You are the reason for the season of reflection. May I walk in Your steps and blaze like You. Amen.

Not About Me

Therefore the Lord Himself will give you a sign: The virgin will be with child and will give birth to a son, and will call Him Immanuel.
-Isaiah 7:14


Christmas is a giving time. It is the season of selflessness, the joy of an undeserved but eternal gift. The month of miracles.

So why am I being so selfish? Why do I take it as I see around me- brown, dull, looming skies, and not for the feeling that once stirred so much inside me? Why do I look for a sign to see that this season is going my way? It’s as if I have this cookie cutter idea of what I expect the holiday to be, and the actual event is a fraction of an inch different than my expectations, I moan and marvel at how it just doesn’t seem like the way I knew before.

If I step back and assess my actions, it appears I am trying to make the season about me. It’s different for me this year, for various reasons. My schedule’s changed; it doesn’t allow time for gifts or greetings or even, dare I admit it, reflection on the origin of the celebration in the first place. I may have even reshaped my heart a bit, whether conscious of it or not. Somehow, in my twisted, self-absorbed brain, I’ve made it about what I can get from the hustle and bustle. How did I get my worship so warped?

I don’t have snow? It’s likely the first family of faith wasn’t greeted with flurries, either. But a storm stirred inside the manger that night, anyway. The storm of our salvation.

I don’t have time to take a breath? I doubt Mary did through all the months she carried our Savior, past the stares and jeers and endless travel on a donkey as she longed for a place of rest yet not to find it in a foreign land.

I have preconceived notions of the holiday? The first Christmas had no agenda or structure, other than a newborn to sleep quietly and build His soul’s strength before starting the quest to conquer death.

A star appeared. The angels sang. Wisemen journeyed across countries by camel. There’s the sign- God’s divine destiny. It all happened. As planned, according to the Father’s design, smoothly and without worry. And it was the best CHRISTmas ever.

Perhaps I have been too occupied with my to-do list rather than my to-Who list. After all, we wouldn’t even have a holiday to humble ourselves before had it not been for that silent night many years ago.

It’s time for me to slow down. Time for me to reflect and repent, and to fall at the tiny feet of Him who gave me the greatest, most freeing gift of all. The gift that granted me the right to celebrate life- His life, my life, our life- in the first place.


Prayer:
Sweet Jesus, how quickly I forget what Christmas is all about. How easily I get distracted and think the world’s turned upside down if the season doesn’t go as I planned. Help me remember why I am here amongst the twinkling lights, why I kneel at the small bed of my Savior. Amen.

A Simple Obedience

When Joseph woke up, he did what the angel of the Lord had commanded him.
-Matthew 1:24


It came in a dream.

An order. In the middle of the night, in the middle of a deep and stirring sleep, from a heavenly herald.

To a laborer, who lived by the harvest of his hands. Who studied for years in the craft of carpentry and built sycamore chairs and sanded stables. Who earned just enough to get by and worked diligently to provide for the young girl he pledged to marry.

Joseph was favored in his town, looked upon as a good and honest man. Everything lined up in a row for this tradesman. Everything looked to continue as planned.

Then, an announcement. A whisper from the lips of his betrothed. Gabriel’s appearance. Late night cravings. The swelling of her stomach.

He, being a decent, honorable man, determined to make things right, to do the decent thing so as not to shame her. He weighed the options, probed his possibilities and prepared to divorce her as quickly and quietly as possible. She would not be bothered, they would not be disgracing one another. A simple solution.

That night after his decision, as he lay down upon his straw mattress, Joseph prayed to the God of his fathers. For strength, for guidance, for His will to be shown. When he finished, he slipped into his blanket and drifted into the world behind his eyes.

A voice rang through the silence. Someone called to him. Knew him by name. Joseph, son of David. His lineage, leaked into his subconscious. And a light that filled the span of his mind’s space. Brilliant. Determined.

Joseph tossed between the sheets, terrified. But the messenger’s next words stilled his shaking heart. “Do not be afraid to take Mary home as your wife, because what is conceived in her is from the Holy Spirit.”

Do not be afraid. The Lord’s angel mentioned Mary by name, too! And the peace that flooded through him told of truth, that the little one inside her belly was indeed inserted by the Spirit.

Take her home as your wife. God was not calling him to let her go. He was calling him to hold on tightly, to walk with her and shelter her and stand beside her, amidst the people’s stares. And how they would stare, no doubt. But Joseph was a man of courage. Beneath his humble demeanor was a thick skinned warrior who served the Lord no matter the cost, no matter the instruction. If he was called to love this girl and father the incoming Messiah, then he would embrace this direction with dedication.

As the angel faded from his dream, the morning sun filled the corners of his room. Joseph roused, blinked in the new day and set out to obey the angel of the Lord’s command. He found Mary, bid their families farewell and set out for Bethlehem. And when the arrival of a Son appeared, he smiled at the King in his arms and loved as he never had before.

A dream. A calling. A simple man with a simple obedience. No fear. No question. Just trust and acceptance.

It takes great faith to hear the Lord and act upon His direction. Even when it means denying yourself comfort and stability. Especially when it doesn’t make sense to those around you. But it makes sense to God, and, like Joseph’s acceptance, it is enough to step forward and carry out His good and perfect plan.


Prayer:
Father, I thank You for Joseph’s obedience. That when he heard from You, he chose to obey and follow Your lead. I pray I may have a faith like his, a trust like his and the knowledge that You are in control, and whatever it is You have planned for me, it is growing me and bringing me closer to You. Thank You for carrying out your Christmas plan through a simple man’s heart and his obedient bride. Amen.

Unchanging

I the Lord do not change.
-Malachi 3:6


The sky has hardened into an iron atmosphere, layering itself with blankets of clouds thick and full of snow, which will no doubt spill to earth within days. As I inhale the air into my lungs, it no longer soothes; it stings. I dig my hands deeper into my pockets, attempting to corral the last remnants of autumn that have slipped into the seams of my coat, clinging for dear life.

Bare branches. Signs of the color that once graced the world mere weeks ago, now turned to an ashen state, cowering close to the ground. Empty parks, void of laughter and light. Waking and falling to sleep in darkness. And that endless chill that tears right through the seven layers I pile on. Farewell, Fall. Welcome, Winter.

Yet with the exit of harvest hopes enters the dreams of December. Silent, snowy walks. The scent of crackling wood exiting through brick laden chimneys, filling the already spice spilled space in my heart with an aroma of warmth and kindling excitement. Cookie decorating that ends with the majority of frosted sugar treats in my mouth instead of the storage tin.

With the dip of the temperature, so comes the rise of star studded nights and cozy couch sittings where I can sprawl with a cup of hot chocolate and let melodic Christmas songs bathe me in the comfort of our coming King.

Seasons change. It’s inevitable. We can prepare ourselves and hold onto the memories of warmer, brighter times, but the change is still going to greet you in the morning, when you slip outside to take on the morning and a billow of crystallized breath erupts from your lips. We cannot control the fluctuating weather, our attitudes, our circumstances that come along with each moment, but we have a God who stands solid and steady, month after month, year after year.

He is unchanging. He is completely aware of all that happens. He sees your struggles, your pain, the tears you bottle in your heart, too proud to let spill. He is the One who casts a silver sheen on the midnight moon, dancing off the fresh powder sprinkled over your yard.

If the God of all seasons dictates when they fill and fade, how much more does He involve Himself in your life? He wants to stroll with you this holiday season, wants to take your hand and show you all the beauty you may have missed in years past. This time, you will have Someone beside you who won’t let you miss tiny details as they develop into overwhelming delights.

So listen to the whistle of the wind as it glides across your face and tucks a strand of hair or two behind your ear. God is singing to you, beckoning you to see what He is bringing your way this month of magic.


Prayer:
Lord, You are steady and unchanging. The shifting seasons may bring cold and busyness from commercial satisfaction, but You have meant it as a time to slow and see the world through Your eyes, to view the beauty around us in this seasonal transition with awe. Thank You for Your presence as we roll through the seasons and months, pressing forward for You. Please light my heart to feel Your glow as I reflect upon what this time of year really means. Amen.

Overflowing Thankfulness

So, then, just as you received Christ Jesus as Lord, continue to live in Him, rooted and built up in Him, strengthened in the faith as you were taught, and overflowing with thankfulness.
-Colossians 2:6-7


Heavenly love.
Here on earth.

We remember when we were bonded to brokenness. Destined for darkness. Falling into fear. Lost, crying in the wilderness. There was nothing we could do. Nothing that could save us from the punishment from our sins. We felt hopeless. Ruined. We burned with a branding of our burden.

But You would not let us go. You would not release Your grip on our hurting hearts. So You stepped across the barrier between heaven and earth, touched the ground with two toe-filled, sandaled feet and set forth with determined purpose to the cross at Calvary.

Our freedom for Your bruises. Our place as royal children for Your pierced lungs and punctured heart. Out of the glory filled tabernacle of Your throne You humbled Yourself to become the Lamb of sacrifice.

You extended Your mighty hand to reach and pull us from our pain, from the blackness and endless depths we’d plunged into. Blessed are You, the Reviver and Restorer of our hopeful souls, our voices that sing with sweetness once again!

It was a choice. We fell, we deliberately demanded to walk our own way. We were stained with filth, far from Your holy harmony. You could have left us as we were, could have wiped us away and started over. But You didn’t. You wanted us with You, so You moved to us, extended a branch of beauty for us to grab hold of and bloom into Your heart, alive and vibrantly, forever.

Your love.

The perfect gift. The greatest blessing. The hallelujah of our hearts.

So overwhelming, this soft life flowing through our veins. We are breathless at best to express our surging souls. May You be seen in all we speak, all we do, so our stories will be overflowing with thankfulness to Your great and inexpressible grace that has come to ignite the ashes inside us into a continual firestorm of faith.


Prayer:
Lord, Your grace and goodness given to us for our salvation is the greatest blessing we can be thankful for, not only this Thanksgiving season, but each day of the year. You have taken us and restored our hope, our dreams, our love. Thank You are two words that sound so small in comparison to the greatness of Your name and character, but I use them with the sincerest sound of my heart. I am grateful that You look down at me and still love me, still want me by Your side. Please do not let me forget, and help me show the world Your goodness and mercy. Amen.

Spinning Circles

Teach me Your way, O Lord,
and I will walk in Your truth;
give me an undivided heart,
that I may fear Your name.
-Psalm 86:11


My Darling.

Stop yourself for a moment. Do you hear what you are saying? The same words flow off your tongue, the same questions quiver in your mind. Over and over again, you stitch them together so no answer can slip through the barrier you have constructed by your own human heart.

You are wearing yourself thin, spinning in circles as you are. You say you want answers, yet when I speak, you push over My words as if you did not hear them, as if they could not be the answer I would give you. So you press on, raising more doubts, entangling yourself in lies when it has been My truth holding onto you this entire time.

You walk with blinders, My child. You keep your head directed to the ground and tune your ears to the noise that swirls around you. Can you not see Me? I am right in front of you. Lift your weary, heavy head and see Me, leading you on, holding out My hand to guide you.

I am here. Always have been. But you have been so persistent, scanning your eyes for what you already know. Round and round you go, winding yourself up so tightly in your mind your heart has no room to breathe, to beat in tune to what I am singing. You are a broken record that skips the best parts of your favorite song.

My Love, don’t get so distracted with the roaming rambles of your worries. Your heels are scratching into the sand from attempting to draw near to Me on your own. And you are not moving.

Stand still. Allow Me to come to you. Close your eyes. Prepare to feel the whisper of My voice, flowing in your ear and washing through your heart. Let it take root, find its footing and settle in for the long haul. What I have for you may not be what you expected, but I am with you and wish for you so badly to see and accept.

So calm yourself, Beloved. Sit down beside Me and open your heart. You cannot let Me love you if you are clutching so tightly to your own thoughts. What you have is fine. The way you are has worked alright until this point. This is true. You have been ok.

But you are meant to be more than ok. You are meant to be so much more.

Will you listen for Me? Can you clear your heart and mind and let Me in to revive you, to untangle you from the webs you have spun so haphazardly around your soul?

I promise, it will be worth it.


Prayer:
Father, can I relinquish all that I have been holding to You? You promise me it is worth it, though it isn’t easy. I have held so tightly to my own thoughts and ways, yet I see they have gotten me nowhere. Oh Lord, how I long to release myself and trust You! Help me to be strong, and have the courage to follow where You lead. Amen.

The Blue Hour

For God does speak—now one way, now another—though man may not perceive it.
-Job 33:14


A sapphire sky. Diamond blue, sprinkled upon the ribbons of the water. Lifting weightless to the sky, deep, framed photos shimmer in cosmic arrangement. Suspended silence, a whisper of belief slips through the shadows. A quietness only I can hear.

A body of water. Silken layers stretch across the shore, wrapping waves in a wreath of reassurance. Beneath the tide, my heart rolls along, swaying to the calling currents that bathe me, catching the warm spots that pull me through this stream.

A glow. Resting in the atmosphere, this dew-soaked sprite sprinkles upon me. That beam, that halo, that glimmering, grasping guide- showing me its luminosity. Showing me its sheen. And certain. Always certain of its course.

I am its magnet. Drawn by a natural necessity that lifts my lungs like I am not to leave without it. Its brilliance binds me. I cannot slow its purposeful gaze. My spirit shakes, stricken with the helplessness to hide what I have hoped.

My footing falters. I step away. But the rising reality steps towards me. Patiently playing my game of hide and seek in shadows. It casts an austere aura across my face. I feel the softness before I am aware that I am moving towards it. My curious eyes draw up to let the starshine entwine into me, delicately, deliberately, with milky smooth strength. A steady, soothing shore below the edifice of my euphoria gathers the life that laps its waters. And in rivers whose mouths open to a cerulean sea, the secrets of all that has been forming from dawn’s first breath ebb and surge assuredly down my cobalt coast.


Prayer:
You make Yourself known in the silence of the moment. When all is still, and there is nothing but the waves of wonder and steady beat of Your heart surrounding my soul, You speak, I listen. I am no longer pulling away from the flow. Please let this river wash over me and send me certainly to You. Amen.

After My Heart

May the Lord direct your hearts into God’s love and Christ’s perseverance.
-2 Thessalonians 3:5



You are after my heart.

Not just a piece broken off and offered as an afterthought. Not just the parts that are visible and I am willing to provide. Not just the happy beats, the skips that sing in the morning light. Not just the soft spots in the ripest season, the top half that skims the surface, or the vibrant visitations I allow when the time is right for me.

You demand more.

You are purposeful in Your pursuit. You break through the barriers and will never settle for satisfactory.

You want the whole of me. The raw, deep, scratched secrets stashed beneath the innermost hideouts in my heart. You want every taste of my terror, the fear that folds at my corners. You want the cold, stubborn stumps of my selfish desires that have latched onto my layers and taken root at the base.

The cold river of blood that sticks to my nucleus, too stubborn to rush through and flood me with warmth- You want to dive headfirst into the stream and pull away the clotting debris one by one until Your strength surges through me and I fill with Your passion.

My heart may rip to shreds. When it does, You are a one Man search party that scours every square inch of my memory, my experiences, my downcast thoughts that have left slices of fabric scattered in the tightest spaces of my frail confidence. And when they are all collected and You lay them out before Your light, You assemble them, weave them back together and create a dazzling display of Your determination in the fine print of the pattern.

With a whirlwind of fury, You course across the plains of my palpitations and throw my false lovers out of our atmosphere; for You declare that You will not share me with another. You burrow beneath my burdens, scoop them up and dispose of these atrocities I blended with my soul. With direct yet delicate hands, You swipe away the pooled tears my eyes store when sadness settles upon me. They drain and are replaced with a garden of gladness. I am wiped clean, pure, wrapped in a soft settling that comes after the storm.

And after You clean my core, Your eyes roam its rooms, inspecting each crevice with care. You have hammered in Your handiwork, built from scratch and with Your initials carved gently into the walls of the home You’ve constructed; Your imprint so those who dare try to tear me down know Who holds me up.

Your love is relentless. It is forever and unyielding. Though I have damaged and dirtied the depths of my splattered soul, Your promise of affection and pleas for me to turn myself over to You releases my clutching hands that hide all that shamed me, as I never understood how my life, too, desired to draw itself devotedly to You until the moment I saw Your own heart poured out for me one deep, crimson drenched day as You fell silent.


Prayer:
My heart clutches stubbornly at the fleeting pleasures of this world. I try to hide my inner heart from You, afraid that You will see my failings. But You want my heart, all the good and bad and bleeding and bursting chambers that collect inside me. You are willing to get Your hands deep beneath the surface and mold me to You, cleanse me from all that clots me and move into my heart. Thank You that You are relentless, and that You will not accept anything less from me than the very best You fill in me. Amen.

Rest With Me

Even youths grow tired and weary, and young men stumble and fall;
but those who hope in the Lord will renew their strength.
They will soar on wings like eagles;
they will run and not grow weary,
they will walk and not be faint.
-Isaiah 40:30-31


Tonight I just want to be with You.

Turn off the lights. Turn down the noise streaming through my airwaves. Soothe my body, loosen the knots I have wound around my spine.

Rest with me in this silence, flowing slowly like a river on a lazy September afternoon. Somehow I have twirled myself into a tizzy, chasing after shiny wrappers of earthly pleasures that unravel to bland, empty promises. Funny how that happens. How easily my heart strays.

I am wired with fickle feelings. I mean what I say but swiftly slip to my own interpretations. Father, calm me. Sweep my eyes closed and lean my head against Your chest.

For I am tired and You offer me a feather bed to lay my burdens. You offer it eagerly and wish for nothing more than me to accept.

I am so weary from running around with my own thoughts, keeping them to myself and stubbornly refusing to share.

Your yoke is light.

Your arms are waiting.

Your breath is warm against my cheek.

I lean in and release my life, yet again, into Your rejuvenating embrace.


Prayer:
How many times can I roll around this sea of my own selfish ambitions? How long can You continue to draw me to You, gently, softly, still needing me to be a part of You? Lord, I spin and circle and get myself nowhere. Tonight, I just need to rest in You. Thank You that You offer me Your arms and comfort, and for the stillness in my soul when I turn down everything but Your voice. Restore me, my Love. Refill my heart to rest in You. Amen.

Great is Your Faithfulness

Because of the Lord’s great love we are not consumed, for His compassions never fail. They are new every morning; great is Your faithfulness.
-Lamentations 3:22-23


My Beloved has been faithful.

When I’ve had no words, He’s filled my mouth with streams of sentences. When I have stumbled in the dark and blanched at the shadows, He’s taken His hand in mine and walked with me through the night. In this maze of a world, He’s straightened my paths and led me to the light. When I’ve voiced my discomfort, He’s listened to my screams, then held me when they transformed into sobs.

He’s seen me in my darkest moments, the thoughts that haunted and threatened to devour my dreams. He has brightened the hopes I harbored and delighted in my shining eyes.

He’s watched me wrestle with leaving my comfort zone to venture into the wild unknown of each day, where I may not know where I am going, but I do know Who is guiding me. And like He does for the sparrows singing outside my window, He provides for me exactly what I need, exactly when I need it.

He is kind and caring. He calls me His one and only. He has led me to His love, into this beautifully terrifying journey that thrills and enchants me.

He is patient when I stray. Gentle when I am stubborn and sees all that I search for in vain. His song is in my heart, His laugh embedded in each line I write. His scent is wound in roses, His eyes entwined in twilight. When I doubt my worth, He holds His mirror in front of me and beckons me to see the girl He falls in love with each morning. He is fair and just, and I am not immune to His corrections. But He refines me; He spins me fine as gold.

I am irrevocably in love. For in the strength of His wings, I have learned to fly.


Prayer:
You are faithful beyond anything I could have imagined. You have swept me up in a whirlwind of wonder. Through the gentle prodding of Your voice I have stood upon the banks of Your love and declared You my portion, My own Beloved. Thank You for this wonderful gift of yourself, within me and around me each waking and dreaming moment of my life. Amen.


***
This composition marks the one year anniversary of the start of Our Great Romance. Fifty two weeks ago God prompted me to begin chronicling this adventure and draw closer to Him so He could reveal Himself in ways bright and stunning to me that He hadn’t in the past. He has indeed been faithful to me on this journey. He has taught me complete vulnerability, trust, dedication and to listen delicately for the whisper of His voice. He has also shouted in my ear a few dozen times, as well! I am beyond blessed to be where I am today, walking hand in hand with my beloved Lord. Thank you all for sharing these moments with me, and for allowing me to bare my soul to you. May you always feel His sweet and all encompassing love surrounding you.

No Longer Proud

Create in me a pure heart,
O God, and renew
A steadfast spirit
Within me.
-Psalm 51:10


The mirror has
tipped in my direction;
I see all that has
blemished my soul.
Rotten, corroding
vanities that dove
into me with delight.
I let them change
my appearance,
my demeanor.
I dared to demand
answers from You.
And when You kept
silent, I raged
at the injustice.
How You must have
laughed at my folly!
For You are
the Beginning
and the End,
the sky that has
no ceiling.
You hold all things
in Your hand and at
a mere whisper
of Your voice
boulders crumble
like ground pebbles.
I am humbled,
my heart no longer proud.
You have spoken,
and I have listened timidly.


Prayer:
I have been considering myself mighty, worthy of Your voice, demanding You to speak on my time, in answers I seek. But You are the Mighty One, the First and the Last, the One who is above all. You hold galaxies in Your hand and toss them to through the blackness to give us stars and planets and life. How dare I deem to right myself before You? Thank You for humbling me, for still loving me when I try to step on Your toes. Teach me to be still and wait for You, and to listen and act when You answer. Amen.

Conflicting Colors

The Lord will guide you always.
-Isaiah 58:11


One Saturday afternoon, I decided to stop by a forest by my house. I have been meaning to venture in for a while but never made the time.

I parked my car and started forth on a wide path covered with scattered leaves. Tall, towering birch and oak trees stood surrounding me, their leaves the most vibrant yellows and soft greens. It was pretty close to perfect. All I needed was a walking stick and I was on my way through Middle Earth.

A few more yards into my journey, a pile of large logs presented themselves, and after looking them over, I found a nice, sturdy one with the least amount of moss and fungi. I pressed it into the ground, balanced my weight to test it out, and, when I found it satisfactory, carried myself across and continued on my way.

A tiny hill took me past the outskirts of the woods, and there I became covered in color. Sunlight gleamed through the canopy, casting prisms of rays through the burning leaves. Wind rustled through the forest, sending many leaves flying around me. I watched them dance to the ground, carpeting the path even thicker. This truly is God’s glory, I thought. Better yet, this is God Himself. I wandered into the cluster of this creation, winding through twists and admiring the fairy-like element. But I was so preoccupied with the beauty before me I hadn’t noticed the path taking a sharper incline and narrowing to only a few feet in width.

I came to a woods divided and realized I could see the street just down below, engines purring and racing by. The trees were less dressed, some barely holding a leaf to their branch. How quickly my beautiful elven woods had turned to a place I hardly recognized!

Isn’t this true of our faith, as well? Our eyes catch something golden and we make our way towards it, admiring the fleeting pleasures until we’re so deep in the woods of the world nothing looks familiar. We are drawn in to a camouflage beauty that stimulates for a while, until the true desires of our heart are emptied, dangling by one small string. How easy it is to walk deeper into the unknown and stray from God’s love!

I’m standing where the path cuts in two. Time passes. The shadows grow longer and I yearn for the calmness and beauty of my woods. But how do I get there? Do I continue as I was and hope I make a loop around? Or do I try the new path, the one leading back into the thickness of the trees and listen for the part inside of me that knows when I am getting close again? All I know is that the day is waning like the speckled leaves plummeting to the earth, and the deeper I get, the more surrounded in similar trails I am.

My eyes draw up and see the sun, peeking between the trees. Though it’s low, it still shimmers, still guides the trail before my feet.

Somehow, this comforts me, and I step with certainty and continue on my way.



Prayer:
I am so fleeting in my faith. I stray from Your love, Your word and Your grace to find pleasure in the things of this world that do not last. All that is gold will turn to rust, but You stay shining. Thank You that You still guide me, still lead me back to Your beautiful arms. You are gracious, and merciful beyond all reason. Let me stay on Your path. Amen.

Hold Me Close

He reached down from on high and took hold of me;
He drew me out of deep waters.
-2 Samuel 22:17


Hold me close.

Whisper in my ear, stir my soul slowly, shifting the stagnant pieces that have frozen in my stubbornness. Dissolve my defenses, sweetly untie the threads holding my chest together and work my heart through Your hands. Massage the meaning of my longing into the rivers of my wounds, wash them clean, a blue water cleansing the dank and dirty canals that block my heart from warmth.

Sing to me, Your voice the crescendo of a symphony in its fifth opus, rising, building in intensity until instruments from Your mouth blend and strike the opera house halls of my heart. Keep their echoes straining through the seats of my soul, long after the crowds depart and I am left in a soft solitude, soaking in the ovation flowing through the curtains.

Your fingers- let them stretch over me, tapping the tremors I cannot contain, calming my anxious mind that races around a continuous track, always speeding, always moving with momentum. Wind Your arms around me, a shawl closing over my shoulders to ward off the chilling dampness of uncertainty. Send Your blood crashing into mine, a beautiful scarlet explosion.

Write me a love letter in the sky. Paint a portrait of my face upon Your canvas. Mold my monotony into something adventurous. Electrify me. Blaze a line of light into my stormy evening; trail the sparks along my spine, jolt me to life.

I’ve been craving You since I found I am fallen. Console me in my shadowed moments, let me cling to You in comfort as I once floated secure and enclosed in my mother’s womb. If I fight, reel me in. If I lash out, soothe me with Your smile. May Your mercy shine over me like a beacon across the sea, and may You melt down all the turmoil that twists my veins.

You are the vast galaxy my small, burning star circles, suspended and slow. I am losing luster. Coat me with an effervescent fuel that transcends all time, all gravity that pulls at me with power. Save me. Be the hero my hope so desperately craves.



Prayer:
Speak to me, lift up my ears to hear Your truth. Soothe me, wrap me in Your warm embrace, shower me with security. I come to You, dizzy and disheveled, daring to dream of a hero. Rescue me. Take me to Your kingdom and anoint me as Your queen. Amen.

I Have Loved You

“I have loved you,” says the Lord.
But you ask, “How have You loved us?”
-Malachi 1:2


I ask for a star
and You give me
a galaxy.

I ask for a drop
and You pour the oceans
into my cup.

I ask for a sign
and You give me
breath each morning.

I ask for wisdom
and You teach me
so scholars look like fools.

I ask for a dream
and You bring
my thoughts to life.

I ask for answers
and You greet me
with silence.



You are the lines of light that course through my blinds as I wake to a new day, the song playing in my soul as I search cracks and corners for living chords that echo in the atmosphere. I think I see you as I walk the street, but when I turn to see where You have roamed, I am caught standing still in the city stream of moving people. I seek, but do I find? When my lips whisper pleas to You, they reach to You delicately, floating, humming in my ear. All I catch is the promise of Your presence, yet I cannot unfold my fears and touch You, cannot hear You point me in the right direction. I hear Your love roar around me, but I do not feel it in my bones, do not see what is there, waiting for me, in front of my eyes. Must I continue to cry out into this silence? Must my voice echo into the abyss? How long will my heart roam with no direction?

I have parted with my old ways and sealed myself to You, but the winds of wisdom spin about this path, blowing uncertainty across my steps. Help me keep my feet. Speak to me in ways You know will strike a light within and set my soul ablaze.


Prayer:
I am twisting in many directions, yet I seem to be directionless. I ask for wonders, for tiny truths to show me You are here, present and deep in my depths. But I falter, I doubt, I pay no attention to the slow, secret voices You slip in my conscious. I turn to the sky for floating answers, yet miss the clues tucked in the clouds. Help me see You and all the small ways You answer me, the small ways that ripple through me and change me every moment You make Yourself known. Amen.

Treasure Hunt

But if from there you seek the LORD your God, you will find Him if you seek Him with all your heart and with all your soul.
-Deuteronomy 4:29


Let’s go on a treasure hunt.

Your objective: to find Me.
I’ll give you a list of things to do, and you follow its directives.

Ready? Good. Let’s begin.

To Do #1- Observe either a sunrise or a sunset. Note the colors, how they blend in subtle shades and cover the sky in its canvas.

To Do #2- Depending on the season, do one of the following: feel the crisp air of autumn sweep across your face; listen to the fall of the rain in a summer storm; watch snowflakes dance across a gray backdrop and nestle comfortably on the ground in winter; reach out and touch the soft buds of flowers in spring, so delicate it is as if you stroke your hands against satin.

To Do # 3- Laugh along with a child. Feel their lighthearted peals soar straight into your heart. Hear how carefree they are with their chuckle.

To Do # 4- Take a night where you are alone, turn off the lights, put some candles on and settle in your favorite cushioned chair. Watch the shadows from the flames flicker across the wall, smell the citrus, spice and vanilla scents blending together. Breathe in, slowly. Close your eyes. Exhale, slowly. Savor the silence.

Are you getting closer?

To Do # 5- Throw on your favorite music. Turn the volume up. More. There, perfect. Sing along. Dance around. Loosen your limbs and let the melody sweep you away.

To Do # 6- Get in your car and drive. Just go. Anywhere. As you cruise, look at the landscapes, the cityscapes, the seascapes you pass. See passing before you the small towns, the cattle grazing among the fields, the glow of the sun off the windows of buildings.

To Do # 7- Do something nice for a stranger. Open a door. Pick up their garbage they left at the table. Compliment them on how their shirt enhances their eyes. Observe how they react. Observe how you feel.

To Do # 8- Think about your greatest dream. Your greatest goal, the thing you hold tightly against your chest. Taste it. Turn it so you may catch its light from all angles. Dare to hope that dream can turn into reality.

To Do # 9- Count the stars. Number them, as far as you are able to count, and connect the dots to draw designs in the night sky. Do not worry about running out of room. The black paper above you is endless.

Last one.

To Do # 10- Read Psalm 139. It’s a poem. Middle of My book, the Bible. Read it slowly, read it one line at a time. See what it says. Examine the words and how they hit you when you finish.


You see, I know you. Know every tiny detail of your makeup that even slips your mind at times. I know when you rise, and when you lay your head to bed. I want you to know I know you. I have found you from before you felt the air of this earth and came to be.

But have you found Me? Have you reached Me yet? It’s not hard. I’ve been with you this entire time. Been in the purples of the sky and smile of that child. Been the whispers in the silence, the music strumming through your soul. And I am that dream you are afraid to show the world.

Seek Me, my beloved. Turn and search for Me in the quiet places, in the loud and brash bellows of your breathing. The hunt may prove more difficult than imagined, longer, a bit confusing. But my dear, I promise you, there is glorious, sparkling treasure at the end when You reach the last to do checkmark, when you put it all together and I am in full view, a puzzle completed to form a breathtaking image.


Prayer:
I want to see You, I want to know that there is something bigger than me out there, Someone fighting my battles for me and loving me with a relentless, unconditional love. You say You are with me, and have been since I was born. Give me the courage to look, to see You in the small things, the daily activities I do without thought. Let me see You in the sky, feel You in the breeze. And let Your Spirit slip into my heart, inflating me with a feeling I have never experienced before. Amen.

Whole

Out of the depths I cry to You, Lord;
Lord, hear my voice.
Let Your ears be attentive
to my cry for mercy.
-Psalm 130:1-2


You are not whole.

Can you feel it? The gap between your lungs? Air flickers through the void, aimless, without weight. It clears your soul to hover in an uncomfortable unknown.

Because of it, you feel heavy. Anchored to some invisible line, leading to blackness. It clips your throat and steals your breath. You cycle through emotionless day after emotionless day, forging ahead, filling your mind with trivial details you won’t remember the next week just to keep yourself from acknowledging the aching in your heart. From acknowledging the tear across your aorta where dreams disband and darkness develops. It is forbidden to feel. You will not let yourself admit to your misery because that would mean relying on someone other than yourself.

You’ve attached yourself to a plethora of people who welcome you for a time but rid you when you’ve served your purpose. All you want is for the dullness inside to deepen, to take root and twist around you so you are wrapped in something that won’t let you go. Each day is the same strain to keep together; each night brings terrors that reach for you with chilling hands. How much more heartache can you handle before you slip into nothing, a shell of the woman you once dreamed to be?

You are still a little girl inside. Still vulnerable, still hopeful beyond rational reason. You play with perfection, watch it slip to the molting earth and wonder when it was, that moment you stopped believing.

What can you say when your voice is taken from you, when you call out for answers and are met with silence? There is a mystery in the caverns of your cry, deep enough to hide in yet easily accessible. When you slip the door open a crack, trying to trust, an intruder bursts in and upturns your lamps, the fire that keeps you ignited. It is a whirlwind, tearing through with no warning, and you are left sitting in the ashes of apathy. Better not to give yourself away, you think. Better to burn out than attempt to kindle any kind of resolution from the mistakes you’ve made.

That missing part of yours still longs to be put together. To find its counterpart and feel, for once, that just maybe you are meant to be taken care of. Meant to be treasured, a pearl in a sea of stained stones.

So you dare to look around the darkness. Dare to face the light that is turning on your hope. Because in the depths of your disappointment, you know that there is more outside these walls you’ve constructed. A bridge across the canyon between your ribcage. A soft landing from your hard fall.

You are spinning. So uncertain, confused at the yearning inside. But movement is good. Movement means there is direction. There is a voice that continues to call. And you follow, hesitantly at first, because you are scared to step away from the prison you’ve preserved. But with each step, the voice grows stronger, sweeter. And the indentation in your soul craves to converse with it. Your soul is smart. It knows what it needs. It knows where to tug, where to pull you. It knows it is meant to be whole.


Prayer:
I am hurt. I am vulnerable. I am so lost in a spinning darkness I don’t know where to turn or how to get out. Lord, I long to be whole. I long to have this burning in my lungs filled with rejuvenating waters. I feel so far from where I once was, from the girl I once dreamed to be. Only You can fill me. Only You can give me the grace I need to be set free from my destruction. Help me, Lord, for I am sinking further into silence and need Your voice to bring me to the surface. Amen.

Reply To Me

Then call, and I will answer;
Or let me speak, then reply to me.
-Job 13:22


My voice is an echo that reverberates into the abyss. I strain to speak and folly falls from my lips. Pride seeps from my pores; I say I want Your will but do I truly? Am I willing to lose myself to gain life?

You are close, yet I stretch to touch You. I spin myself in circles deciphering Your direction. A thousand nights I search the sky to catch Your eye upon me. Each star blinks, coolly, secrets veiled in an inky canvas.

I know my prayers get caught in jet streams on their way up to You, a little muddled and twisted when they finally reach Your ear. Words are crossed, punctuation forgotten, it is a jumbled mess. Sometimes, I don’t even know what I’m saying when I begin my message.

Then I wait with pensive anticipation. Hoping for a response, afraid I will be left standing in my solitude. Day after day, I send my secrets in exchange for forgiveness, yet when I construct a note for You to notice me, I create it out of crystal and am afraid the edges will brush against the dust of destruction and shatter and scatter back at my feet.

You hear. You receive my words but do not give response and I continue to swell in a tide of torment.

Once. That’s all I ask. For You to roll Your voice against this tempest raging inside me and speak sanity to my soul. For an answer. Just a clue. Something to tell me I am not sailing this sea blindfolded.

The heavens cannot contain You. You give borders to unending galaxies and the angels sing of Your great glory. You are seated on Your throne, mighty, above all. How dare I demand Your presence, offering you every scraped and patched hole in my heart, digging to uncover Your depth? I am selfish, believing I deserve Your conversation. But I linger, still waiting for Your mouth to turn to me with wisdom.

The storm grows stronger in Your silence. Do not let me toss about the waves much longer, for my legs grow weary and my soul faint.


Prayer:
I know You hear me when I pray, but I feel that You are answering in silence. I know I have no right to question why You answer this way, but still I get confused. Grant me patience to wait a while You work Your will. And let me realize that even silence is communication from You, and I should be thankful. Amen.

With Me

And surely I am with you always, to the very end of the age.
-Matthew 28:20


You are with me.

I am in silence, in a silky black realm of reality that reaches with needy fingers for my soul. A heaviness presses against my chest, squeezing out my air of expectancy. Who am I to fight this battle, to strike out with soft palms and slap at translucent taunts that laugh when I come up empty?

I squint my eyes to see movement, any sign that I am not alone with this confusion, but my vision is muddied and outlines carve my sight. In the blur, I am begging for breakthrough.

With faltering feet, I wander deeper into my shaded hope and uncertainty prickles my skin. I am surrounded by a ripping feeling that something stirs beneath the earth.

You tell me that You are here with me, tightly tucked to my side. My hand moves to feel You but I grasp at air. Just a fistful of particles that slip between the slivers of my nails. The sky gives no light, no assurance that when I place one foot in front of the other, I will walk with stable support beneath me. You see me standing, see me claw my way through the caverns of this mystery I have tied myself to. I am looking for answers and instead find silence. I reach my voice across the slipping sounds of night, praying they do not tangle with the pleas and prayers of every other enchantment inhabiting this blue space beyond my rational mind.

You are the One who first told me to open my eyes, to dream wide awake and decipher the stars. You brushed my heart with belief and curved my course to Your sails. Walk with Me, You whispered into my ear. Talk with Me and let Me teach you how to come alive.

So I soared into starlight, colored the cosmos with Your hues and floated in fantasy. I walked through waterfalls and slept in beds of beauty untouched by mere mortal magic. You spun me golden blankets of grace; I slept peacefully in their warmth and woke with Your breath in my lungs. Somewhere along my revelry I slipped from Your strength and weakened my will with a course of my own.

Navigate me. I am directionless in this circle of solitude. You say You are here with me, have always been beneath my heart, the key to my unsteady compass. Show me. Inhabit the wind and whisper the way to my craving soul so I will feel the brush of Your mouth on my face, ruby ribbons rushing through this damp and diminishing maze of my mind.

You are with me. Deliberately cupping my heart and leading it to the dawn of dreams once again. My hands may not be able to touch You, but my soul speaks in upturned secrets that spill out from the overwhelming presence of Your map unfolding in my memory.


Prayer:
Lord, I am in a void and uncertain of where You are leading. But I remember Your promise that You are with me, that You are always with me and will never let me go. I may see patches of my path, but You hold the entire puzzle pieced together in Your eyes. You know the plan You have for me and You are watching me pursue it. Please let me stick with You, hold to the promise that if I trust, You take care of me. I am in Your arms, I am in Your will, and I know that You walk beside me, even if I cannot see Your footprints. Amen.

No Fear

There is no fear in love. But perfect love drives out fear, because fear has to do with punishment. The one who fears is not made perfect in love.
-1 John 4:18


Fear.

It’s a dirty word that pollutes your mind and corrodes your heart. It sticks to the bottom of your soul and lingers long after panic sets in. This is one emotion you don’t want to face head on.

But you must. You must strike it at full force, no thinking, all action. Use every ounce of confidence and say to yourself, “I am better than this.” We do, after all, have love on our side. The love of our Heavenly Father, who has conquered everything attempting to invade our hearts. He is perfect, and by His Son we, too, are made in His image. And doesn’t perfect love cast out fear? Thought so.

But here, I’ll admit something. I’m a coward. I am trapped by this tyranny and scratching at the chains binding me. I have been fearful. A lot. And it’s been building throughout the last few weeks. I’ve taken great strides in admitting out loud that I’ve been scared of a certain situation, but the heavy heart and pulsing panic still remains. It’s one thing to say I’m struggling; it’s a completely different notion to trust God to help me conquer the issue. To take the one thing that paralyzes me with cold shock and place it into His hands and say, “Ok Lord, I give it to You; teach me how to handle this,” is daunting and feels unnatural, to hope in someone else coming to my rescue.

Yet I’ve found out this beautifully complicated breath of life is a process. Where we are not merely placed at point A to point B, but along the way we are formed. Refined, forged into who we are meant to be. And this means turning our trust and faith to Him who directs our steps.

I still have the feeling that God is doing something with this fear, far beyond anything I could imagine. I know that He is pulling me closer to Him when I pull away from what has been bogging me down. Something is brewing from this drop of doubt and pouring into a beautiful blend of belief. And when it finally takes form, I’ll look at the trail this tale has taken and see nothing but God’s beautiful fingerprints along the way.


Prayer:
Father, I am fearful. There are thoughts I cling to when I should release them to You. You tell me to place everything in Your hands, yet I hold tight to the poison that will consume me if I keep letting it grow. Please take it away. Take it from me and let me put my trust in You. There is a purpose for this fear welling up inside me. There is reasoning I can’t understand but I am believing You are working for good. I turn my fear over to You. Amen.

This Weekend's Gift

Thanks be to God for His indescribable gift!
-2 Corinthians 9:15


I seem to be having an out of body experience. Physically, I’m at my apartment, charged from a run and preparing for the rest of the afternoon. Mentally, however, I am sitting on a dock, looking out at a sparkling blue bay that eventually turns into the vast currents of Lake Michigan. There are sunrays staining my skin and two swans gliding through the water on the other end of the bay. The wind is singing gently through the tall grass, which sways to the tune.

There is great mystery in the music of the island, a lifestyle straight out of a movie no one believes until they experience it themselves. This weekend, I was taken captive by its magic. A friend of mine lives on Washington Island, this picturesque place in Door County you can only access by ferry boat. It’s the kind of world where everyone knows everyone, where you see someone working in one of the local restaurants, the kind that have lights strung around the room and carved wooden seats, and they ask how your family is doing. You carry on a conversation throughout your meal, and then you see them singing in the church choir the next day. Regulars who visit for the weekend or week make friendships with each other and swap stories of old, peppered with relatives who first inhabited the island. And when they depart to their lives on the mainland, there is much laughter and hugs and arms outstretched through the window in final farewell.

It’s the land of winding roads, twisting through open fields and between thickets of trees, the blue of the lake dancing around branches. Driving in the cab of my friend’s truck, knees tucked under my chin and the hum of guitar breezing through the stereo, I watched this world roll on before me while our other friend spoke of God’s beauty in the seat behind me.

We were on an exploration, a great adventure across the island and I imagined myself there, at the end of our journey, curled up on the smooth lime stones at the beach, galaxies of stars above me, deliriously happy.

And that night, as the Northern Lights twirled and stretched to Heaven, I was.

My weekend was a gift. A dreamy delight wrapped in sun and stars and crystal blues, handed to me by God. He watched me smile the whole time, the marvel in my heart and the soothing of my soul that I so desperately needed. He saw my happiness and took great joy in my revelry. This trip was where I felt God’s presence most prevalent, where each morning I sat out on the pier and quieted myself in the silence, and I thanked Him for this breathtaking treasure hunt He brought me on.

He longs to speak to you, too. To give you a personal gift that fits into the perfect spot in your heart. He wants to see you smile, see you joyfully overflowing in awe and thankfulness for the special time the two of you spend together. He wants you happy, He wants to find something that will make you feel alive, feel rested, feel completely wrapped up in a beautiful dream. You can have Him in your heart, you can listen for the quiet words He whispers when you think you’re crossed in static. And you can see the tiny, stolen moments of beauty as a present from the One through whom all gifts are made. Open up this gift, Beloved. See how it’s exactly what you’ve always wanted.

Prayer:
Father, I thank You that You take care of me and know exactly what I need, when I need it. Thank You that You restore my soul and surprise me with beauty beyond anything I could have imagined. Let me look for those magic moments when You reveal Yourself to me, and when they come my way, let me hold them lovingly in my hand and never let them go. Amen.

Worth the Wait

“What strength do I have, that I should still hope? What prospects, that I should be patient?”
-Job 6:11


Waiting.

We are waiting for an adventure, to be swept up in a swirl of story, a fairy tale with singing animals and a dashing prince to claim us as his own.

But we are timid. Afraid of all that pulses beneath our veins and afraid to want too much. When we find we are tumbling down a hill of hope, we tilt our head to the sky and watch the clouds spin together. We are childlike, barely breathing for fear one loud exhale might send the whole glass house we’re living in shattering to the ground.

So we step cautiously over the line, crossing into our vulnerability and exposing the underbelly shadows of belief. Sometimes, it is beautiful. A rainbow across the air, a smile sewn on our face. And other times, we are broken, defeated, torn with a realization that there is no happy ending in this fantasy. And we crawl under covers in the secret of our room, turn our face into the soft scent of sadness and mourn for the loss of our heart.

Why are we wired so? To long for love and seek it in the tiniest cracks of our shaking hearts? Our bodies are cool with a yearning for fire.

Yet there is a burning in us all. A raw, ripping desire to be found, taken up in strong arms and never released. To know that someone sees our faults, our quirks, the bruises beneath our skin, and turns them beautiful. Unique. Befitting to us, and only us.

We wait. Wait when the world tells us it is foolish to wish on wings of angels for something heavenly. Our expectations are too high, and if we stack them up again the weight will bring them barreling down. But the tiny torch within won’t falter, won’t lose its oxygen and fold into itself, into darkness. Because somehow, against all odds, against all reason, we are dreamers. And we sit in our towers, hair blown about the wind and belief on our breath, facing the horizon, watching for that prince in the distance, for his galloping horse rushing closer and closer. And when he dismounts, eyes upward and tangled in ours, we will know that our time in the tower is up. That it’s time to fly, feel the flush of forever on our face.

There is reality in this undaunted delight. A true castle in the sky, where a dashing Prince is preparing to profess His devotion to His bride to be.

Let’s hold hope. Hold on to the promise that the best is yet to come. There is a Man who will wait for us, who will always be captivated by our softly breathing heartstrings and the connecting corners of our soul. Who will fight for us and draw us to His side. For He desires His Beloved, and no other will do. Because He knows we are worth it.


Prayer:
Lord in Heaven, I am human. I am woman. I long to be desired and taken under the strong arms of another. My heart is hopeful, yet feebly frail. If I open it up again it just may break beyond repair. But You say that You love me. With a blaze, a fire, a forever kind of love. Please show me that You do, that You want me, specifically, personally. And let me lean on You for strength, for the love I so long for. You are beautiful, and all I ever need. Amen.

What I've Been Missing

May Your unfailing love be my comfort, according to Your promise to Your servant.
-Psalm 119:76


It’s You I’ve been missing.

I have been wanting someone to want me, care for me, love me and see me as special, and all along it has been You singing these words straight back to me.

You have been patient, endlessly patient. My mind has strayed too many times on names that never last. Though through my wandering, You’ve whispered to me a name. A Name above all names, a beautiful symphony I’d turned down the volume to.

I’ve been out of focus, focusing on someone to fill the longing in my heart that brings refreshment for a moment but never fully satisfies.

I am weak. I don’t know which crumbles quicker, my head or my heart. I am wrapped in flesh and fueled by the desire to be desired.

Yet here You’ve been, breathing on my face a promising fragrance that blooms inside my soul. You long for me to release my hopes and delicately place them in Your hands. Like a lover who has bolted out of fear, my feet have carried me far from You. Yet You pursue me through the valley and into a thicket of thoughtlessness. You untangle me from the thorns I’ve lodged into my skin and sweep up the strength dangling by the last chord of stubbornness hanging inside so I fall soundly in Your embrace.

You carry me back to where You reside, a fortress built with sturdy promises. And as I drift into a serene slumber, You brush away the dust in my heart and press Your palm into the softened space. Your imprint entwines inside me, and I gladly bear the brand of One who loves me with an all-consuming blaze.


Prayer:
Lord, You have been the missing piece to my puzzle. There is a hole in my heart that only You can fill. Please, come and consume me. Set me ablaze in Your love and surround me with the promise that You will never let me go. Amen.

Wisdom's Radiance

Who is like the wise man?
Who knows the explanation of things?
Wisdom brightens a man’s face
and changes its hard appearance.
-Ecclesiastes 8:1


A white dot.

Small, seemingly insignificant.

It’s in the distance, over the horizon, quietly blinking.

You think it’s a star and settle in to watch the night sky.

But it’s moving.

Slowly, so slowly you don’t pick up on it. As it draws nearer, it grows. The dot becomes the size of a marble, then a baseball, and as it increases in size, it becomes vibrant, intense.

Suddenly, the sky is engulfed with this light. You shield your eyes, and as you do you notice it continues to move in your direction. The light is blazing, and a white hot heat runs over your skin. Your heart hammers, practically pulling out of your chest. You don’t know why, but you long for this light more than you’ve ever craved anything else. There is a rush of warmth swarming through your veins, and that light continues to crawl through the air, shifting lower, lower, until it hovers just above your head.

You raise your eyes to meet this moment. Like a July breeze, the light wraps around your face, kisses your skin and scrambles for your soul. Electricity shoots through you, yet no pain follows. The current calms you, claims you as its own. You are bolder with this branding. And as the illuminating glow reverberates inside, you know at once that your heart has been blackened with a blinded darkness until the light broke through with such force your body is helpless to do anything but surrender to its arrival.

You know, with certainty, that the aching your soul harbored is gone forever, and is now replaced with a golden light exploding around you.

The world sees this radiance upon you and yearns to ignite with the same burning promise.


Prayer:
You are holy. You are the blazing in my breast, the Light that fills my sky. Father, You are wisdom, You are understanding, You reach down for me to know You. Thank You for presenting Your light in my darkness. May I remember what You give to me and be covered in Your beautiful promise of life eternal. Amen.

Fire in My Bones

His word is in my heart like a fire,
a fire shut up in my bones.
I am weary of holding it in;
indeed, I cannot.
-Jeremiah 20:9


My heart needs to burn.

For something. For someone. I need to feel needles pricking my skin, leaving imprints on my soul. I need to be blinded by beauty, drunk on dreams. I need to cling to God’s word like it is the only tree left in a falling forest.

My eyes- they must blaze. Must sweep in every fragment of this unending universe and zoom in on the tiny miracles happening beneath the naked eye.

My hands must shake with sweetness, must roam every wonder and feel their texture beneath my nails.

My feet must flash through feeling, must race to where all I dare hope for comes true. They must carry me quickly to the cross.

I have been summoned. I have tasted desire and crave more. I need my blood to boil in my veins, to bubble and spit heated liquid that overflows in my anatomy, bursts in my bones. I need it to spill into my mind and turn reasoning into rapture. To slip in my skull and crack open the hardness of my stubborn streak, empty out my vanity and fill it with a stream of submission.

I have been awakened to all that howled beneath my indifference. I have been roused, and am ignited by every electric beauty that has been poured into my purpose.

You have released me.


Prayer:
Lord, I want to come alive at the mention of Your name. I want to burn with a consuming fire with Your face imprinted on my heart. I want Your love coursing through me, breaking through barriers and I need You completely taking me over. Overflow me, pour out Your power and beauty in my veins. Let the world see me shine because of Your light streaking through me. Amen.

Freedom

But the man who looks intently into the perfect law that gives freedom, and continues to do this, not forgetting what he has heard, but doing it- he will be blessed in what he does.
-James 1:25


We Americans live in a country blessed by God’s riches and mercy. We can make choices on occupations, what we’re having for dinner and even the freedom to speak loosely about friends, family, and those in higher power. Anything we feel like doing or saying, we can, and can get away with it. We live in bounty, in abundance and comfort. And our finite minds tend to focus on how we ourselves got this way- not on the actuality of why we live the way we do.

I know I personally forget about the tiniest of blessings I am given. I take this beautiful country for granted, the freedom to walk out my door and to a car that gets me to my job, which provides income for me to pay my bills. I have a roof over my head and food in my stomach, and I never lack love. But I take it as a right, not a gift. I might not have the same things tomorrow I have today. I may not have a breath left in the morning. I am a blade of grass, swaying in the wind.

There is another freedom I take for granted- freedom from sin. Freedom in Christ. Because He willingly suffered on the cross, for all my wrong doings when He knew no wrong, and gladly traded in His life for mine I am saved. I am no longer a prisoner of principle and slave to sin. I am free. I have power through His penance.

We are blessed by God’s great mercy, His grace and His selfless love. Without His Son to save us from death, we would be bound to eternal separation from the Almighty. And through this amazing sacrifice, we can walk in wisdom and live in life-giving liberty.

Take time to thank those who have served this brave and beautiful country. Enjoy everything this day stands for and never, ever take what we have in America for granted. But also thank God for His greatest gift of all- our spiritual freedom. Without the power of the resurrection, we’d be left in a lonely abyss.


Prayer:
Father, thank You for all You have done for me. My salvation, Your love, the gift of living in eternity with You. Thank You for this beautiful country built upon Your foundation. Let us continue to seek after You and live our lives according to Your great and perfect will. Amen.

Love Me Anyway

Give thanks to the Lord, for He is good. His love endures forever.
-Psalm 136:1


You love me through my faults. Through my failures. And when I am never enough, You are more. I seek answers in empty corners, in vases of vanity with the bottoms cut out so the water of my shame rushes relentlessly to the floor. I attempt to fix my mistakes, carving deeper into the canyons of self-reliance but creating no lasting image. I falter in my doubts, in acknowledging that this time, this time I must have gone too far. That I am unable to be saved.

Then You reach for me with a hand of hope. An embrace that offers me warmth coursing through me and an absolution for all I have turned to ash. I am saved by grace. Your sweet, unending grace.

Do I deserve unlimited forgiveness? Absolutely not. Do I get it, over and over and over again? Amazingly, yes! To think that a perfect and holy God of creation could look at me, a meager, imperfect sinner as I stumble a hundred and two times and still love me, still pardon my inadequacies- well, it’s quite breathtaking, actually.

These lyrics from the song “You Love Me Anyway” by Sidewalk Prophets hit my heart with their portrayal of the ultimate admission to my sinful and selfish soul:

I am the thorn in Your crown
But You love me anyway
I am the sweat from Your brow
But You love me anyway
I am the nail in Your wrist
But You love me anyway
I am Judas’ kiss
But You love me anyway
See now, I am the man that called out from the crowd
For Your blood to be spilled on this earth shaking ground
Yes then, I turned away with this smile on my face
With this sin in my heart tried to bury Your grace
And then alone in the night, I still called out for You
So ashamed of my life, my life, my life…
But You love me anyway.

We are the spear in His side and the tear in His eye. But He loves us anyway. Amen for that!


Prayer:
Father, I fail you again and again, wallowing in my self-pity and set on my own desires. I hurt You, I forget You, I push You to the back of my mind. Yet there You stand, loving me and saving me from myself. Thank You. For still loving me in my foolish pride, for wanting me to love You back. It will never be repaid. Amen.

I Vow

As a bridegroom rejoices over his bride, so will your God rejoice over you.
-Isaiah 62:5


I vow…
To dance with you in the rain.
To wake with you each morning and watch you sleep each night.
To guard your heart and armor it with My own.
To cherish you, completely.
To never cause your diamond eyes to lose their sparkle.
To see your peculiarities and find them fascinating.
To make you laugh and never cry. But if tears should shed on account of someone else, I promise to take each teardrop and toss them high into the sky, where they can dissipate into the atmosphere.

I vow…
To shower you with song.
To hold your heart up when it wants to collapse.
To let you know how beautiful you are, especially when you don’t believe this truth.
To tell you it will be alright, because, in the end, it will.
To be aware of all the things that make you smile, like tulips and the smell of coffee, and place them in your path to make an ordinary day special.
To paint the night in cosmic patterns at your request.
To lay down My life for you.

I vow…
To never rest until you are nestled securely in My arms.


Prayer:
Thank You for Your all consuming love. Thank You that you love me deeply and intimately, as no other has loved me before. I want to accept this love, believe it and soak it sweetly in my heart. Let me love you back wholeheartedly. Amen.

Hand Made

Your hands shaped me and made me. –Job 10:8


Before your lungs exhaled their first peals of life, I was here. Before you were even a joyous welcome announcement to your family, I knew you would be around. I created you with just the right colors in your soft hair, the curve of your smile, the dance in your eyes. I never intended for the creases in your brow, the downcast shading of your eyelids, the slump in your posture.

Darling, I created you in My image. And I saw that it was good. My hands reached into your heart and cradled your soul. I massaged the chambers into life, to pump a lifesong throughout your body. To move your feet to find the doorstep of a friend in need. To mold your hands and entwine them through the fingers of another, to breathe My air into their veins. My Dear, you are divinely created. Divinely set apart to stand straight and brim with My beauty. When the earth formed by My voice, I had your face already plastered in My mind. I made this world knowing one day I would bring you into it. To watch you smile at a stranger and to dream with delicate hope. It pains Me when you don’t see your value.

My Beautiful One, I love you. With a consuming fire. Feel it. Feel the flames lick your skin, sear your soul. With an avalanche of affection coursing through you. Don’t try to outrun this landslide. Let it overtake you, let My words bury you in truth, let My gaze course over you like rainfall in the dry season. Fix your eyes on Me. Fix your worth on who you are in My presence. Because, Beloved, I am captivated with my creation. I am captivated by YOU.


Prayer:
Creator, I cannot begin to understand the depths of Your love for me. But as deep as I love my family and my friends, You love me a thousand times more. Help me to realize this, Lord. Help me realize that You are relentless in Your pursuit of my affection. Please let Your love crash over me. Amen.

Give Me Rest

Come to Me, all you who are weary and burdened, and I will give you rest.
–Matthew 11:28


As I write this, I am mere feet from the lapping waves of Lake Michigan. My bench is a large driftwood log lodged with sand. There is no one else around, like I have slipped off the radar to nestle myself in a quiet nook on the shore. A steady rhythm taps against the tiny rocks, smooth with years of washing by the water. Wisps of clouds hang in the azure sky, mirroring the sparkle of the lake with a shimmer of its own. I am kissed by the breeze, which runs renewing fingers through my hair. After suffocating weeks of strained sleep and an ever-running mind, for the first time I am full of peace, drifting in the soothing salve of restoration.

I have taken on too much, cramming every spare minute with some activity, some appointment, something to take the place of just laying still with God. I thought I could fit Him in when I had time, then marveled at the realization that I found no more time to give. Each night I’d burn my lamp into the early morning hours, contemplating whether I was doing enough for Him or if I’ve been falling into a selfish timetable. The more I slammed into my schedule, the emptier I felt inside. I was a caffeinated, chocolate-addicted ticking time bomb who couldn’t even arrange her prayers into coherent sentences. I made a mess of myself and had no idea how to clean up.

I was to meet a friend for a photography adventure, but at the last second it had to be rescheduled. I went to the spot we were to shoot at anyway, just feeling like I should. As I drove to my God spot, I felt a calm come over me. It grew stronger as I stepped onto the wooden footbridge beckoning me into the nature preserve and I admired the budding trees overhead. The sky blazed a trail of clouds to the bluff, where I sat cross legged and pasted my gaze to the lake, which sang out its welcome to me. For a time I couldn’t think, couldn’t blink, couldn’t form proper praise. I just breathed, “Thank You.” Because in the ten minutes I’d been there, He filled me with such wonder and rejuvenation the past weeks washed away like the sand beneath the waves. Peace. His peace. What a gift.

And so here is where you find me- still in this special spot, secluded and serenaded by the God of my fathers, Who was, always is, and is to come.

Rest in Him, too, Beloved. We weren’t meant for chaos and hectic hearts. We were made for whispers and stolen, secret moments with our Love in this great romance.


Prayer:
Father, thank You for this fleeting moment, let it last beyond this day into the weeks and months ahead. In You I am recharged, in this tranquil moment You give rebirth to my shriveling heart. Create in me a soothed soul, that I may feel Your peace always. Amen.

Draw Near

Let us draw near to God with a sincere heart and with the full assurance that faith brings.
-Hebrews 10:22


Draw me near to You, for I have strayed too far from the safety of Your arms. When I was near You, the fire could not harm me. Now, I extend my hand and flames wrap around my twitching fingers. When I lived by Your law, I walked with You upon the water. Now, each step I take drags me deeper under the waves. When I saw Your eyes in the stars, each twinkle held a shared secret. Now, the cosmos look cool and distant, shards of glass in darkness. When I skinned my knee, I saw Your sacrifice in the crimson flow. Now, I feel the pain cut through me with intent to scar.

I sensed You rushing through me in every song, in every sliver of surprise, in every quiet space. You whispered in my ear words no one else would understand. And no one else could, for You wanted them to touch my heart only. We shared smiles at dawn and dreams at dusk; I placed my fragile fears into Your hand.

You promised to be by me always, to lead and love. And because of this I have walked with steady steps. Yet I trip over my clumsy feet and stray my eyes from the road before me. I veer off to the detour and I do not ask for directions.

You watch me shuffle along, head straight into the fog of uncertainty. You let me bruise my arms and bash my heart. I wear myself out so quickly on my own. Now, I am running on one leg, I am tangled in my own shortcomings. Now, when I search the crowd I cannot see Your face. I didn’t realize how much I’d miss Your encouraging eyes until I matched them with the pupils of so many others, each glazed and empty behind their veil.

I need You singled out. I need You standing while everyone lowers themselves in the stands. I need Your steady arms holding me, warming up my frozen heart. And I need to feel You coursing through my bloodstream, pumping furiously to the chambers that keep me alive.


Prayer:
Father, I know that I am empty, that there is a void only You can fill. Please let me see You, feel You in all I do, in each breath I take. Set me back on my feet, clasp my tightly to You. Amen.

His Heart Weeps With Mine

Jesus wept. Then the Jews said, “See how He loved him!”
-John 11:35-36


I am alone in my home and heart. Years of hurt and humiliation enter unannounced, uninvited. They attack me, and I am unprepared. I am tried. I am tired. I am falling. Insecurities wrap around my heart and squeeze, collecting my delicate hopes to send them spiraling to the ground, one by one. With them fall drops of tears, taking their time to skid down my skin. In the darkness of my fear, I am swimming in sorrow.

But there are other tears mingling with mine. They are sweeter, softer, they overshadow my own. Against my cheek, He rests His face. My pains, my deepest depravations that burn within dwell in His heart, too. Gently, He pries the broken pieces from my clutching fingers and fastens them to His pierced palms. And in that transaction, I cry no more. My eyes dry like daisies in the sunlight after a summer storm, my soul drains of doubt and fills with firelight. I am loved. He calls me beautiful. And I believe.

Our Lord weeps when we do, but He also turns our tears to triumphs.


Prayer:
Thank You for being with me, through the ups and downs, the tears and the triumphs. No matter where I am or how I am feeling, You are right there with me, wrapping Your secure arms around me in comfort. May I always come to You when I am feeling alone. Amen.