Cloudy

So do not fear, for I am with you;
Do not anxiously look about you, for I am your God.
I will strengthen you, surely I will help you;
Surely I will uphold you with My righteous right hand.
-Isaiah 41:10


Why is it that when a cloud of uncertainty passes over us, it attaches to our heart and will not move out of the way for the clarity striving to be revealed?

It lingers, mockingly, enjoying our discomfort at trying to decipher its appearance. It laughs when we shield ourselves from its onslaught but cannot fully block its advances. And the more we attempt to untangle ourselves from its spidery arms, the more we become ensnared. It is relentless and spins our heads into such disarray we wonder for days after what came out of the storm we feebly tried to weather.

We think a thousand thoughts at the reasons we are tested, and the closer we try to get to the big picture, the less we truly see and understand. It’s like our life is one big maze, and we are the guinea pig curving around corners in search of blue skies and fresh air that will greet us as we finally make our way to the exit. In all the searching, never once did we expect to encounter a row of dead ends.

Somewhere there is an answer. Somewhere, sunshine and smiles. And somewhere, Someone is holding all we want to know. Is holding all we’ll ever need.

We may never find the exact clarity we’re looking for. We may never fully understand why we went through all we did. And that’s ok. Because we don’t need to know. At this point in life, we just need to acknowledge that the confusion will pass, there will be adventures at the next turn, and we are closer to our prize and comfort than we may imagine. And when the haze is lifted, we will realize that we were never once left alone in the abyss.


Prayer:
Father, I thank You that through all my uncertainty, all my questions and confusion, that You have been with me, right by my side. You know how my head and heart spin, yet You steady them with Your soothing hand. Please continue to hold me close, and walk with me as I try to navigate this cloudy maze, because I absolutely cannot even try to go at it without You. Amen.

Twisting Hearts

Therefore confess your sins to each other and pray for each other so that you may be healed.
-James 5:16



When we hurt, there is no greater pain than the twisting of our hearts. That constant heaviness sitting on our soul. We crumble. We shatter. We are swallowed in a darkness that hammers at our heads.

It is difficult to understand. Almost impossible to bear. We cannot, do not, want to face it alone.

And it is in this time of complete misery and suffering that words disappear, and our only communication comes through a river of tears and a silence that speaks more profoundly than any other form of speech. We did not know how fast we could fall.

Brokenness. An aching hole in our chest. The more we know, the less we really understand. Why things happen as they do. Why our hearts get mangled. Why we feel completely helpless.

There is no fast road to recovery. There is no slow road, either. We seem to move backwards and questions keep piling up. Overwhelmed is minor in comparison. We are anchored in place with no wind in our sails. And when we seek direction, we are met with a deafening unknown.

We can do nothing else but throw ourselves into the trust, that gut wrenching, self-denial devotion that God IS in control. That He is with us, in this, even when He feels a thousand miles away. It is hard, it is unbelievable, but we must know that He is here, and that when every shred of our heart is sliced and scattered through our body, we take great pains in uttering two words from the depths of our soul:

Jesus. Healing.

Pray for one another. When we are shattered, the earth stands still and we are left on our knees in the debris of our disappointment. But when we rise, however long it may take, He is there, holding out His arms to lift us up and sweep away our ashes.


Prayer:
Father, I have no words to speak. I am broken. I am helpless. And so hurting. For myself, but for others involved. Please, Lord. Healing. Healing in so many ways, in all that I have not spoken. Jesus, I am calling on You to help and heal, to open up eyes and hearts in understanding. Remove me from the wreckage and into Your comfort and healing embrace. Amen.

Holding Something

And hope does not disappoint us, because God has poured out His love into our hearts by the Holy Spirit, whom He has given us.
-Romans 5:5



I am holding something in my heart.

A feeling. It is unidentifiable. It is deep. Buried, covered in earth hundreds of miles beneath my surface.

Sometimes I can feel it breathing. Feel its slight rise and fall as it inhales my life and exhales Yours. Like each space between the silence is filtered from me, from my selfish, sinful flesh, and squeezed through a needle of new awakening, to be filled with Your soul, Your desire.

Faint is the song lifting in the breeze. A soft echo, sweeping the sky inside me, drawing out the day. From black to blue, a powdered perfection infiltrating my existence. I am drawn to the light. I am reaching for that shooting star.

I protect myself to feel no pain. I see what I want, say what I need. I am foolish when I play my words back to me. And when I slow down the sentences, You are the white noise speaking in symbols to my soul. Your voice, its softness, its certainty, strikes me and hooks to my heart, and there it hangs, swaying gracefully above the gaps of life. Never wavering, never losing its grip.

Can I touch it, just this once? Can I reach my trembling hand inside my very being, the raw pounding of my chest, and brush my fingertips across the pumping presence of Your wonder? If I let myself in, break through to that practically unperceivable hope holding me together, where will it take me? Where do I want it to go? Where do You want it to go?

All I am is shape and silence. I am the snow forming in winter’s midnight. You are the ground to which I fall. In between the blankets of belief, You whisper in my head, trail Your design down my spine and slip into my soul. I never knew I could shiver with such restrain. You coax me, gently, imploringly, to lose myself in this feeling. This feeling of all things good. Because to know this greatness, this burst of unimaginable imagination, is to know You. To know that You take a stone and shape it into starlight. To know Your eyes see the color of my core and weave a rainbow in my being. From this serpent, You create a seraphim.

I have wings. They shine. They lift my heart into my hands and dance me to Your music. I am sorting out this freedom You have untied within me. I am taking hold of this feeling, transparent in my veins. Guiding me to a blushing horizon, encouraging me to dream. Dream in me, dream in You. Dream in all things bright.

My heart is beating. It is begging to unfold from the gray reign I’ve kept it subject to. Take it. Release it to the ribbon-sewn sweetness of Your promise, which longs to give me abundantly more than my hopeful heart has ever conceived.



Prayer:
Dear One, I have been sleeping for too long. I have been afraid to hope for anything good, anything beautiful. But to doubt its existence is to doubt You, for You are all things beautiful and good. I am going to dare to dream, I am going to set my heart out on a limb. Because I trust that You have me protected, You have me by Your side, and that You want to exceed anything I’ve experienced. You are joy. You are a gift. You long to gift me with Your presence. Fill me up, Lord. Let me see You in every great gust of wind You sweep across my face. Let me feel Your goodness, feel Your wonder. Amen.

Take Refuge

I long to dwell in Your tent forever
and take refuge in the shelter
of Your wings.
-Psalms 61:4


There was a place I’d go
when I was small,
deep in the woods,
deep in my dreams.
The rain fell down,
I ducked inside the trees
that hid me from the world.

You’d patch my hopes
with shades of green,
when light poured through
our fort of leaves.
I used to laugh,
so pure, so free,
and all the life
within my lungs
slipped sweetly through
Your beams.

My eyes flew wide awake
in the middle of the day,
I was so sheltered
in the words that You would say.
Take me to the top of branches
filled with song,
melodies the trees whispered
and You and I would sing along.

Autumn’s bitter browns
decayed and turned to rust,
brought sparks of fire,
floods of rain,
a hundred weeks of wonder
spilled and spinning to the ground.
As moons passed by,
years lined my brow,
the color in my veins,
once bold,
lay bleaching in Your palms.

My eyes flew wide awake
in the middle of the day,
I was so sheltered
in the words that You would say.
Take me to the top of branches
filled with song,
melodies the trees whispered
and You and I would sing along.

Take me back
to where we danced,
a swirling love,
bright in my hands.



Prayer:
Father, please shelter me in the loving arms I ran to when I was young. Sweep me in Your sweetness, in Your comfort and strength. Tuck me into You, soothe me with Your unshakable promises when the world around me shivers. Rest with me, sing to me, let me feel bright brilliance once again. Amen.