By Your Mercy

But when the kindness and love of God our Savior appeared, He saved us, not because of righteous things we had done, but because of His mercy.

-Titus 3:4-5

            There is a rawness in my chest, red and welt-fed from scraping across my rib cage each morning as I wake to find my place in the this world, and each night as I lay in scrutiny at whether my life produced any worth throughout my given hours.

            I am hopeful. I am easily persuaded of my faults. I am fearful that I will never be enough.

            Though I know that You are with me, I cry within my depths at the necessity of being of value in Your eyes, bringing value to Your cause. I worry about finding purpose as I rise and set to sleep each day, and I wonder whether I am where You need me to be. I crave to be. I crave to know that all my effort is effective, all my smiles will stay in the hearts to whom they are given.

            Will You ever let me know if I am living as You like? Will you affirm my actions and confirm my trust? Will You shape me to move in ways that lift You into the light?

            In the deepest wells of my soul, I desire to please You. To make You happy, to see the good You see in me that I sometimes can’t even see in myself. I know You tell me to rest in You, but how can I rest when I want to rejuvenate others with the grace and good news I know?

            You are the keeper of my hope, guardian of my desire. I am shy with my wants, but You see through my mask and dive into the depths of my longings. You save me from my darkest thoughts, the temptations that hook me and reel me in. Shout into my soul, the lengths You reach for me.

            You are my desire. It is in Your innermost being that calls me to keep my heart in expectancy, to hope and to keep myself moving along the road arranged for me. Each day I am allowed new breath, let each exhale exalt Your precious name.

            Come to my aid, Lover of the unlovable. Shower me with warmth; remind me why I am Yours and how beautiful I am in Your sight. By Your mercy, I am saved. Not by what I have done, but because of who You are. Remind me how finding refuge under Your safety is enough, and how Your presence is the grace I crave to cover the holes in my heart.

 

Prayer:

Lord, I struggle with knowing my place in this world. I wonder whether all I am doing is enough, and if it is pleasing to You. I desire Your approval, crave Your comfort and love. Please remind me to just rest in You, to savor Your presence and burrow in Your unwavering endearment. Amen.