Be Still

Lord, my heart is not proud; my eyes are not haughty. I don’t concern myself with matters too great or awesome for me. But I have stilled and quieted myself… -Psalm 131:1-2


God wanted to speak to me the other day. I knew it, too. All morning I had this pressing on my heart, and as I came back from lunch, my car idling in the parking lot as I watched the American flag across the street flutter in the wind, I knew we would have a discussion. “Later tonight, Lord,” I acquiesced. “We’ll talk later.”

The rest of the afternoon passed quickly, and after work I stopped at home to say hi to my mom and little brother. I stuck around a little later than I intended, warming myself in the comfort of the home I grew up in. By the time I ran a few errands and filtered back to my apartment, it was nine. As soon as I hung up my coat, switched on the living room lights and returned to my room, I felt Him watching, waiting with words unspoken, like He always is.

But I was cowering. I had a nagging feeling I knew the topic of conversation and didn’t want to go there. So I stalled. I picked up my room, checked my email, hopped in the shower. Still, my heart heaved within and my mind dug up one thought over and over, and each time I buried it deep inside, refusing to let it surface. I turned my thoughts to others, and prayed for them. “I’m not ready to talk about that yet, Lord,” I pleaded my case as I padded once more around my room, shifting my sheets and examining the ceiling fan. Minutes later, I still paced, heart beating wildly within. This time, though, I knew that my fight was over.

“Alright, alright. I’m ready. As ready as I can be, I guess. What do You want to say?” Silence hovered around the room, but inside my mind raced, running like a horse around and around a ring. I couldn’t think of a starting point and I just felt lost.

So I wrote. I grabbed my black leather journal and penned my request to God.
Ok Lord, the Spirit has been pressing on my heart all day. I have been avoiding it because I know what You want to talk to me about, and I’m not ready to go there. I’m not. If I’m being honest with You, I’m afraid to go there. You know this already, but I am a bit terrified to say it out loud. But I’m ready. You’re waiting for me. Again. Let’s have a true, honest chat and see what You say.

And the gates of Heaven opened. I just understood that even though my Father knew everything, every tiny detail and hidden desire within me, He wanted me to confide in Him, to talk as very best friends, my most intimate of companions.

I did, shaking at the foot of my bed, realization racking my rib cage. I poured out the longing I had felt so fervently in my heart. How I’m not one to fold up foolish fancies and keep them in my pocket, that I’m a realist and do not keep images in my mind if they aren’t possible.

There was one voice resounding in my head, that same one pushing and prying its way to the surface in my mind. I had to confront it, get rid of the possibility and ask God that if this wasn’t in His plan for me, to take it away. But every time I tried to speak, those words were stuck in my throat, and an overwhelming sense of panic struck. I attempted about four times, each with the same result. It was the weirdest thing. So weird. And the more I couldn’t voice my deepest fear and desire, the tighter my chest constricted and my mind swirled.

In my confusion I cried out to God. “I don’t know why I can’t say it, but give me something!” Pulling my Blessing Box up on my covers, I pulled out the scripture passage for the day. Psalm 131. Shakily, I read the lines and, incredulous, pulled up the psalm in my Bible and read it out loud.

“Lord, my heart is not proud; my eyes are not haughty. I don’t concern myself with matters too great or awesome for me. But I have stilled and quieted myself, just as a small child is quiet with its mother. Yes, like a small child is my soul within me. O Israel, put your hope in the Lord- now and always.”

As I prayed that psalm, clarity immediately rushed in and that scripture applied directly to me. Over and over I repeated, “I have stilled and quieted myself, Lord I do not concern myself with matters too awesome for me. I have quieted my heart before You.” And my heart was stilled. Calm. A warm river of soft silence encompassed me, and at that moment I didn’t have to say another word of what was hiding deep in my heart- He knew, and He knew that I would come to Him when the time was appropriate. He will bring it up again, and at that time, I will remember this moment and go to Him with honesty and ease because Perfect Love casts out fear. My Father took me from the tumultuous torrent taking me under and lifted me out of the heavy waters to give breath anew, fresh and full.

Be still. Quiet yourself before our dear and patient God. He knows how you ache, how the storms rage within. But He will raise you to new heights, pour peace into your weary and ragged soul. How comforting it is to climb into the lap of our great Love and rest awhile!



Prayer:
Once again, You are my great Love. When I am filled with such tightness within, You stroke my soul to dissipate my fear. How beautiful You are, how gently You rock me in Your arms, stilling my anxiety and soothing me as Your child. Let me take refuge in You, to quiet myself in order to hear Your promising whisper. Amen.