Fulfill My Lonely Heart

He fulfills the desires of those who fear Him;

He hears their cry and saves them.

-Psalm 145:19

This snow keeps spilling from the sky, folding itself over the earth, white with purity wrapped in puckered pain forgotten.

            Its beauty steals my breath, silences my wavering doubt that shivers, brittle, beneath the earth.

            The wind is fierce, cold and penetrating, slapping my face and shaking me to expose myself to the thoughts that vie to break me.

            I am still together, founded on my faith, trusting in all that moves unseen. The snow still clothes bare branches with modesty and reason. In my heart, beneath my breast, the flurries pile and pierce my tender places, chipping away at the edges, and I am one more flake away from fully covered.

            What if I admitted that I’m lonely? That my heart is hungry for attention and turns to the sky and seeks shelter in Your arms? What if I said I’ve lost my confidence and need You to swoop in and show me just how much I’m worth in Your eyes?

            What if I told You the restlessness in my heart won’t settle and is burdened by being so far from what I’ve held so close?

            You tell me that You alone can satisfy, so why am I flailing my arms, trying to grab onto anything that stops my spinning, drinking any drop that slides down my throat to keep me from falling to the floor in uncertainty?

            My soul burns for You to blaze in front of me and remind me that You are here with me, fervently fighting for my honor, rising up as a lion and roaring in protection. I want to feel You in my bones, screaming in my sinews and ardently pursuing me in my dreams.

            I want to feel You, hear You, call to You so passionately my throat dries and dents in protest. You tell me You are with me, but my heart has so far sunk into my chest it’s threatening to bury itself in the sands of my aching.

            Do what You need to do in order to bring light to my eyes once again, to soothe me with truth and stamp Your seal upon my heart. For I am small and needy, curled up against the crowd and ducking down to be unseen. I have found familiar comfort in shadows, in shrinking. You believe me to be more, to be bold and brave and beautiful.

            Help me to see it, help me to feel the intensity of Your stare and sweetness of breath against my lips. Revive me, restore me, melt my hardened heart afraid to hope and set me high in Your heavens, set above the sparkling snow that builds its base in Your commands.

            I am all of the above, I am waiting with fervency for You to crash into me and tear new fulfillment into the fibers of my chest.

Prayer:

Lord, I am alone and in the unknown. Each day I am wandering, seeking, and yet I do not find. Fix my eyes on Your majesty, Your beauty and Your great desire to call me Your own. Help my heart, let it be consumed by You. Call to me Lord, with urgency and undying affection. Amen.