Wrestling with Your Wonder

Then the man said, “Let me go, for it is daybreak.” But Jacob replied, “I will not go unless you bless me.”

-Genesis 32:26

            Imagine me, so shy and shaking, rising above my fear and daring to dance with the flashing of Your eyes. Were I to lift my chin with certainty, could it stay stoic and brave?

            I have humbled myself in the dust, knowing my place before You. At one light kiss of air I could disintegrate into no existence, pulled away by Your power. But I have been created in Your image, and seen as good. I am part of Your people, painted into Your world and placed with purpose to fill the vacancy void.

            I must be worth something. You must see me as more than cunning claims me to be. I am Your child, and as such I can be sure You want what’s best. Which means I can make my way through a bruise-filled night where a pressing pushes in around me, and I am held by iron hands. I can push back and bring a turning tide towards the dawn. And though I am weak, I will hold steady to the truth that You listen to my requests. “Bless me,” I will mutter, mutely at first, because I am uncertain myself at what I ask, but my heart will strengthen and grow grander in its gusto. “Bless me,” I will repeat, louder, steadier, matching the rhythm of my heart. Because You are good and have come to claim me as Your prize. My hands close around your coattails refusing to loosen because I believe in Your blessing, that it will fall upon me and shine like the sun.

            I will receive your inheritance. I will be firm in step for following You. And I will come out touched and changed for holding You to promises You have held for me until the perfect time, after wrestling with Your wonder.

Prayer:

Father, thank You that You long to bless me and teach me Your ways. I am stubborn, and I struggle to see what You have before me, but I long to grab onto You and wrestle with my past, present, and future and refuse to stop until You promise You are with me wherever I go. Help me to hold on to Your promises, and reach for Your love. Amen.

Crash Over Me

I wait for the Lord,

My soul does wait,

And in His word

Do I hope.

-Psalm 130:5

 

I am eager to hear from You,

to hear the rumbling of Your voice

as it crashes over me

I wait for Your direction,

to tell me where to go,

who to love,

what to do with all

You have lain present

inside me.

I want to make You proud,

yet I fear I am too timid

to cast a ripple on the water.

You are the ocean

through my tide,

You press into me with cool,

wet hands.

I stand with Your love

lapping at my ankles,

and in the gulp of waves to shore

I hear You whisper,

telling me to rise

with Your water sprayed wind.

Prayer:

Splash me with Your love, spray me with Your truth and saturate me with the healing waters of Your love. For I am static on the shoreline and watching for Your waves to come crashing in. Find me and fill me, Lord. Amen.

Cloud of Witnesses

Therefore, since we are surrounded by such a great cloud of witnesses, let us throw off everything that hinders and the sin that so easily entangles, and let us run with perseverance the race marked out for us.

-Hebrews 12:1

 

            Am I running in an empty arena, the echoes of my footsteps clearing out the cobwebs? Does my breath sound labored to my ears only? Do I dare keep my pace if there is no one to push me forward? I am lagging, my shoes slipping against the pavement, brain telling me I can go no farther.

            A figure catches my eye as I chase around the turn. She stands, watching me, counting my steps. I turn across the straightaway and see her face. It is kind. She lifts her mouth into a smile and I hear sweet words unfold into the air:

            “Keep pace, Dear One.”

            My legs pump beneath my body, buoyed by her encouragement. I continue on while she makes her way into the stands, taking a seat in the front row.

            I am moving quicker now, feeling light in my limbs. I finish my lap as another figure slips into the foreground. His strength is noticeable, softened by the tenderness of his clapping hands. He, too, has something to say.

            “Breathe, child. The air is sweet and your lungs are strong.”

            My head nods in acknowledgement, and I circle around while he walks to the first guest and sits beside her.

            My breathing is even, mind beautifully cleared. One by one, they trickle in, passing words and hope to me each turn I take. Soon one section is filled to capacity, then a second, a buzz building through the stands. They are cheering, slapping their hands in noisy jubilation, gazes trained on me. Through the electricity of the now filled stadium, I am shocked into new life.

            I start the last lap. The crowd erupts into an ear piercing plea for my finish. My feet are fast, eyes ahead, finding the prize just within reach.

            Half a lap to go. It’s madness in the stands. They are to their feet as I round the turn into the home stretch. My name begins somewhere from the top, flowing through the crowd like a rushing river. They believe in me. They believe I can do the impossible and succeed.

            In their voices there is hope. And I hear with an urgency that propels me closer and closer.

            Just a few more steps. One more push. Screams and cheers ignite. I have crossed the line. I have finished. And my heart fills with gratitude and overwhelming joy at the turnout who came to see me through, at the One who stands at the end of the track as I collapse in completion into His arms. His eyes are ablaze with the race results, and His smile stretches across the coliseum. When He speaks, His words wash over me like a much desired shower:

            “Well done, good and faithful servant.”

 

Prayer:

Father, let me run my race with precision, with perseverance and with passion. For the trail is scattered with temptation and roadblocks, and I do not want to stray off course. Thank You that You run with me, and that You send others through the course to cheer me on and encourage me in the life I live. May I run strong, and keep Your heart in my eyesight. Let me focus on my finish, and finding You smiling and pleased as I cross the last line. Amen.

Yours Alone

Find rest, O my soul,

In God alone;

My hope comes from Him.

-Psalm 62:5

 

I was born to love You,

spun with the fibers of Your fingers

to settle around Your shoulders.

I was meant to love You

with every match struck inside me,

igniting a fire that laces around my soul

but is never consumed.

I was created to be Yours

and Yours alone,

so why do I stray and search for love

in so many different places,

filling my time with doubt and

hoping with the most tender fibers

that this time, I won’t get it wrong?

I am a creature in Your form,

Stitched by Your soul.

I am at home.

Nowhere else am I meant to roam.

Prayer:

You continually draw me to Yourself. I tend to stray, but You set me straight and show me how I am pieced together by You with purpose. Help me to remember where I am, and Whose I am, as I walk beside You. Amen.

Ways Unfamiliar

I will lead the blind by ways they have not known, along unfamiliar paths I will guide them.

-Isaiah 42:16

 

            Here I am again. Headfirst into the unknown. Wrapped in curiosity and blinded by events unforeseen that thrust me into a new beginning. It seems like I have been in these shoes and walked this way many times before. This time, I feel helpless to do anything. This time, all I can do is throw my hands up in the air and exhale, “Surrender! I surrender to You.” It is here I have to trust that where I see spots, You see the whole of the picture.

            Life is a grand adventure yet again. Did I plan to exit out of the comfort that carried me each day? No. Did I think I’d need to once again build myself up and burrow in Your wings for strength? No. But perhaps that’s what You’re intending with all this turmoil. Maybe my eyes were straining too far into the fields to see You standing beside me, and now You’ve rearranged my attention so we can walk this road together.

            It isn’t easy feeling insecure and discombobulated. It isn’t fun heading up the mountain when starting from the bottom. There’s such a long way to go, and the trail just keeps curving. But I am walking like I always do, one small step in front of the other. And You see what I cannot. I must trust. I must believe in what I cannot see. I must make this trek with Your heart in mine.

            Because I am stumbling yet again on this gravel laced path. I am heading into ways unfamiliar and will not be overcome. I am turning to You to see Your face that will calm me and direct me. And I am waving my arms to catch Your steady grasp.

Prayer:

Lord, once again I am thrown into uncertainty. I am in a land I do not know as I make my way through the wilderness. It is unexpected and unnerving, but I have to trust that You have made this choice for me, that You have paved the way and are waiting for me to walk with You. Please help me to keep my confidence in You and take this trail before me. Amen.

No Easy Way

Your path led through the sea,

Your way through the mighty waters,

though Your footprints were not seen.

-Psalm 77:19

 

            What part of this did You say would be easy?

            You didn’t say.

            You never guaranteed safe passage through this voyage of life. Never said we wouldn’t struggle, that we’d never be thrown curves in a series of fastballs. You said we would have troubles in this life. But You also said to take heart and not be afraid, because You have taken care of all things terrifying.

            And that You would be with us every length of the way. Even when Your footprints are not seen.

            You keep coaxing us out of the boat, to take a leg and swing it over the side to stand on water. To take one step into the sea, and then another.

            So we do. Warily, confidently, we lift our eyes to the light a thousand yards away. We move as if our feet were touching pavement.

            Then we sneak a glance over our shoulder and realize how far from the boat we are. And how far off You still seem to be. Suddenly, the ground beneath us shivers, and we find ourselves sinking. How fast our faith has faltered. How easily we sink beneath the surface.

            We are weighed down, but You arrive where we have fallen and reach beneath the surface to grab our arm and anchor us up. You brush off our bruises and hold us as we begin to understand the need to keep straining for the shore. You hand us a life vest in case we slip again, and guide us once more through the waves. And we want to please You, so we keep moving.

            You never guaranteed clarity in this murky world. You never stretched the winding streets before us into straight passage. You only warned us that the air would be full of flying arrows aimed at our heart. But You gave us a shield and a strength to navigate and protect us once we hit the open road.

            And, along the trail, lingering beside us, a pair of footprints follows, closely entwined with our own.

Prayer:

You never said it would be easy to take up my cross and follow You. You simply encouraged me to take heart that You are with me along the way. The road is long, the course uncharted. Please navigate me and reach out to me when I veer off course. You promise to be with me. I am holding You to it. Amen.

Today

“You are looking for Jesus the Nazarene, who was crucified. He has risen! He is not here.”

-Mark 16:6

            Today looks no different than any other. Same bare branches scraping across my window, same metallic gray and blue fusing together in the sky. Same sweet wind pushing through a thawing song. People wake, the earth sighs. Life arises to begin again.

            But inside me, I am teeming with newness. Inside me, I am seeing a day much like today. A rocky hole, birds singing, women trekking to the tomb. A blinding light, an angel flashing the news- Whom they seek is not here.

            Confusion on their faces, trembling excitement in their chest, the women flee to make sense of the scene. Wondering. Hope emitting the tiniest flecks of embers in their heart.

            Then You appear. Full fleshed, with scars on Your skin and light in Your eyes. You smile. You see the women who now recognize the prophesy come true. You watch their surprise turn to joy.

            And You turn Your face to me. Same fire ignited in Your eyes, same great grin. I touch the hands that held the nails, trace my fingers across Your side, feeling the fabric of my soul stitched in Your wounds.

            Today is a day that started like any other. But You have come alive again and stand before me, beaming with victory. My heart is rising, and my voice can be heard shouting Your name in glorious gratitude. My lover. My life. My knight that fought the battle for me and won.

            This day started like every day, but oh, how the light and triumph streaked across the sky and captured today as the day I was finally set free with His arrival.

 

Prayer:

Hallelujah! You are alive! Up from the grave, You came and conquered death so I may live. The battle won, the smile set, Your voice resounds in my head. Thank You for the gift of Your life through death, so I may be tied with you forever. Amen!