Treasure Hunt

But if from there you seek the LORD your God, you will find Him if you seek Him with all your heart and with all your soul.
-Deuteronomy 4:29


Let’s go on a treasure hunt.

Your objective: to find Me.
I’ll give you a list of things to do, and you follow its directives.

Ready? Good. Let’s begin.

To Do #1- Observe either a sunrise or a sunset. Note the colors, how they blend in subtle shades and cover the sky in its canvas.

To Do #2- Depending on the season, do one of the following: feel the crisp air of autumn sweep across your face; listen to the fall of the rain in a summer storm; watch snowflakes dance across a gray backdrop and nestle comfortably on the ground in winter; reach out and touch the soft buds of flowers in spring, so delicate it is as if you stroke your hands against satin.

To Do # 3- Laugh along with a child. Feel their lighthearted peals soar straight into your heart. Hear how carefree they are with their chuckle.

To Do # 4- Take a night where you are alone, turn off the lights, put some candles on and settle in your favorite cushioned chair. Watch the shadows from the flames flicker across the wall, smell the citrus, spice and vanilla scents blending together. Breathe in, slowly. Close your eyes. Exhale, slowly. Savor the silence.

Are you getting closer?

To Do # 5- Throw on your favorite music. Turn the volume up. More. There, perfect. Sing along. Dance around. Loosen your limbs and let the melody sweep you away.

To Do # 6- Get in your car and drive. Just go. Anywhere. As you cruise, look at the landscapes, the cityscapes, the seascapes you pass. See passing before you the small towns, the cattle grazing among the fields, the glow of the sun off the windows of buildings.

To Do # 7- Do something nice for a stranger. Open a door. Pick up their garbage they left at the table. Compliment them on how their shirt enhances their eyes. Observe how they react. Observe how you feel.

To Do # 8- Think about your greatest dream. Your greatest goal, the thing you hold tightly against your chest. Taste it. Turn it so you may catch its light from all angles. Dare to hope that dream can turn into reality.

To Do # 9- Count the stars. Number them, as far as you are able to count, and connect the dots to draw designs in the night sky. Do not worry about running out of room. The black paper above you is endless.

Last one.

To Do # 10- Read Psalm 139. It’s a poem. Middle of My book, the Bible. Read it slowly, read it one line at a time. See what it says. Examine the words and how they hit you when you finish.


You see, I know you. Know every tiny detail of your makeup that even slips your mind at times. I know when you rise, and when you lay your head to bed. I want you to know I know you. I have found you from before you felt the air of this earth and came to be.

But have you found Me? Have you reached Me yet? It’s not hard. I’ve been with you this entire time. Been in the purples of the sky and smile of that child. Been the whispers in the silence, the music strumming through your soul. And I am that dream you are afraid to show the world.

Seek Me, my beloved. Turn and search for Me in the quiet places, in the loud and brash bellows of your breathing. The hunt may prove more difficult than imagined, longer, a bit confusing. But my dear, I promise you, there is glorious, sparkling treasure at the end when You reach the last to do checkmark, when you put it all together and I am in full view, a puzzle completed to form a breathtaking image.


Prayer:
I want to see You, I want to know that there is something bigger than me out there, Someone fighting my battles for me and loving me with a relentless, unconditional love. You say You are with me, and have been since I was born. Give me the courage to look, to see You in the small things, the daily activities I do without thought. Let me see You in the sky, feel You in the breeze. And let Your Spirit slip into my heart, inflating me with a feeling I have never experienced before. Amen.

Whole

Out of the depths I cry to You, Lord;
Lord, hear my voice.
Let Your ears be attentive
to my cry for mercy.
-Psalm 130:1-2


You are not whole.

Can you feel it? The gap between your lungs? Air flickers through the void, aimless, without weight. It clears your soul to hover in an uncomfortable unknown.

Because of it, you feel heavy. Anchored to some invisible line, leading to blackness. It clips your throat and steals your breath. You cycle through emotionless day after emotionless day, forging ahead, filling your mind with trivial details you won’t remember the next week just to keep yourself from acknowledging the aching in your heart. From acknowledging the tear across your aorta where dreams disband and darkness develops. It is forbidden to feel. You will not let yourself admit to your misery because that would mean relying on someone other than yourself.

You’ve attached yourself to a plethora of people who welcome you for a time but rid you when you’ve served your purpose. All you want is for the dullness inside to deepen, to take root and twist around you so you are wrapped in something that won’t let you go. Each day is the same strain to keep together; each night brings terrors that reach for you with chilling hands. How much more heartache can you handle before you slip into nothing, a shell of the woman you once dreamed to be?

You are still a little girl inside. Still vulnerable, still hopeful beyond rational reason. You play with perfection, watch it slip to the molting earth and wonder when it was, that moment you stopped believing.

What can you say when your voice is taken from you, when you call out for answers and are met with silence? There is a mystery in the caverns of your cry, deep enough to hide in yet easily accessible. When you slip the door open a crack, trying to trust, an intruder bursts in and upturns your lamps, the fire that keeps you ignited. It is a whirlwind, tearing through with no warning, and you are left sitting in the ashes of apathy. Better not to give yourself away, you think. Better to burn out than attempt to kindle any kind of resolution from the mistakes you’ve made.

That missing part of yours still longs to be put together. To find its counterpart and feel, for once, that just maybe you are meant to be taken care of. Meant to be treasured, a pearl in a sea of stained stones.

So you dare to look around the darkness. Dare to face the light that is turning on your hope. Because in the depths of your disappointment, you know that there is more outside these walls you’ve constructed. A bridge across the canyon between your ribcage. A soft landing from your hard fall.

You are spinning. So uncertain, confused at the yearning inside. But movement is good. Movement means there is direction. There is a voice that continues to call. And you follow, hesitantly at first, because you are scared to step away from the prison you’ve preserved. But with each step, the voice grows stronger, sweeter. And the indentation in your soul craves to converse with it. Your soul is smart. It knows what it needs. It knows where to tug, where to pull you. It knows it is meant to be whole.


Prayer:
I am hurt. I am vulnerable. I am so lost in a spinning darkness I don’t know where to turn or how to get out. Lord, I long to be whole. I long to have this burning in my lungs filled with rejuvenating waters. I feel so far from where I once was, from the girl I once dreamed to be. Only You can fill me. Only You can give me the grace I need to be set free from my destruction. Help me, Lord, for I am sinking further into silence and need Your voice to bring me to the surface. Amen.

Reply To Me

Then call, and I will answer;
Or let me speak, then reply to me.
-Job 13:22


My voice is an echo that reverberates into the abyss. I strain to speak and folly falls from my lips. Pride seeps from my pores; I say I want Your will but do I truly? Am I willing to lose myself to gain life?

You are close, yet I stretch to touch You. I spin myself in circles deciphering Your direction. A thousand nights I search the sky to catch Your eye upon me. Each star blinks, coolly, secrets veiled in an inky canvas.

I know my prayers get caught in jet streams on their way up to You, a little muddled and twisted when they finally reach Your ear. Words are crossed, punctuation forgotten, it is a jumbled mess. Sometimes, I don’t even know what I’m saying when I begin my message.

Then I wait with pensive anticipation. Hoping for a response, afraid I will be left standing in my solitude. Day after day, I send my secrets in exchange for forgiveness, yet when I construct a note for You to notice me, I create it out of crystal and am afraid the edges will brush against the dust of destruction and shatter and scatter back at my feet.

You hear. You receive my words but do not give response and I continue to swell in a tide of torment.

Once. That’s all I ask. For You to roll Your voice against this tempest raging inside me and speak sanity to my soul. For an answer. Just a clue. Something to tell me I am not sailing this sea blindfolded.

The heavens cannot contain You. You give borders to unending galaxies and the angels sing of Your great glory. You are seated on Your throne, mighty, above all. How dare I demand Your presence, offering you every scraped and patched hole in my heart, digging to uncover Your depth? I am selfish, believing I deserve Your conversation. But I linger, still waiting for Your mouth to turn to me with wisdom.

The storm grows stronger in Your silence. Do not let me toss about the waves much longer, for my legs grow weary and my soul faint.


Prayer:
I know You hear me when I pray, but I feel that You are answering in silence. I know I have no right to question why You answer this way, but still I get confused. Grant me patience to wait a while You work Your will. And let me realize that even silence is communication from You, and I should be thankful. Amen.

With Me

And surely I am with you always, to the very end of the age.
-Matthew 28:20


You are with me.

I am in silence, in a silky black realm of reality that reaches with needy fingers for my soul. A heaviness presses against my chest, squeezing out my air of expectancy. Who am I to fight this battle, to strike out with soft palms and slap at translucent taunts that laugh when I come up empty?

I squint my eyes to see movement, any sign that I am not alone with this confusion, but my vision is muddied and outlines carve my sight. In the blur, I am begging for breakthrough.

With faltering feet, I wander deeper into my shaded hope and uncertainty prickles my skin. I am surrounded by a ripping feeling that something stirs beneath the earth.

You tell me that You are here with me, tightly tucked to my side. My hand moves to feel You but I grasp at air. Just a fistful of particles that slip between the slivers of my nails. The sky gives no light, no assurance that when I place one foot in front of the other, I will walk with stable support beneath me. You see me standing, see me claw my way through the caverns of this mystery I have tied myself to. I am looking for answers and instead find silence. I reach my voice across the slipping sounds of night, praying they do not tangle with the pleas and prayers of every other enchantment inhabiting this blue space beyond my rational mind.

You are the One who first told me to open my eyes, to dream wide awake and decipher the stars. You brushed my heart with belief and curved my course to Your sails. Walk with Me, You whispered into my ear. Talk with Me and let Me teach you how to come alive.

So I soared into starlight, colored the cosmos with Your hues and floated in fantasy. I walked through waterfalls and slept in beds of beauty untouched by mere mortal magic. You spun me golden blankets of grace; I slept peacefully in their warmth and woke with Your breath in my lungs. Somewhere along my revelry I slipped from Your strength and weakened my will with a course of my own.

Navigate me. I am directionless in this circle of solitude. You say You are here with me, have always been beneath my heart, the key to my unsteady compass. Show me. Inhabit the wind and whisper the way to my craving soul so I will feel the brush of Your mouth on my face, ruby ribbons rushing through this damp and diminishing maze of my mind.

You are with me. Deliberately cupping my heart and leading it to the dawn of dreams once again. My hands may not be able to touch You, but my soul speaks in upturned secrets that spill out from the overwhelming presence of Your map unfolding in my memory.


Prayer:
Lord, I am in a void and uncertain of where You are leading. But I remember Your promise that You are with me, that You are always with me and will never let me go. I may see patches of my path, but You hold the entire puzzle pieced together in Your eyes. You know the plan You have for me and You are watching me pursue it. Please let me stick with You, hold to the promise that if I trust, You take care of me. I am in Your arms, I am in Your will, and I know that You walk beside me, even if I cannot see Your footprints. Amen.

No Fear

There is no fear in love. But perfect love drives out fear, because fear has to do with punishment. The one who fears is not made perfect in love.
-1 John 4:18


Fear.

It’s a dirty word that pollutes your mind and corrodes your heart. It sticks to the bottom of your soul and lingers long after panic sets in. This is one emotion you don’t want to face head on.

But you must. You must strike it at full force, no thinking, all action. Use every ounce of confidence and say to yourself, “I am better than this.” We do, after all, have love on our side. The love of our Heavenly Father, who has conquered everything attempting to invade our hearts. He is perfect, and by His Son we, too, are made in His image. And doesn’t perfect love cast out fear? Thought so.

But here, I’ll admit something. I’m a coward. I am trapped by this tyranny and scratching at the chains binding me. I have been fearful. A lot. And it’s been building throughout the last few weeks. I’ve taken great strides in admitting out loud that I’ve been scared of a certain situation, but the heavy heart and pulsing panic still remains. It’s one thing to say I’m struggling; it’s a completely different notion to trust God to help me conquer the issue. To take the one thing that paralyzes me with cold shock and place it into His hands and say, “Ok Lord, I give it to You; teach me how to handle this,” is daunting and feels unnatural, to hope in someone else coming to my rescue.

Yet I’ve found out this beautifully complicated breath of life is a process. Where we are not merely placed at point A to point B, but along the way we are formed. Refined, forged into who we are meant to be. And this means turning our trust and faith to Him who directs our steps.

I still have the feeling that God is doing something with this fear, far beyond anything I could imagine. I know that He is pulling me closer to Him when I pull away from what has been bogging me down. Something is brewing from this drop of doubt and pouring into a beautiful blend of belief. And when it finally takes form, I’ll look at the trail this tale has taken and see nothing but God’s beautiful fingerprints along the way.


Prayer:
Father, I am fearful. There are thoughts I cling to when I should release them to You. You tell me to place everything in Your hands, yet I hold tight to the poison that will consume me if I keep letting it grow. Please take it away. Take it from me and let me put my trust in You. There is a purpose for this fear welling up inside me. There is reasoning I can’t understand but I am believing You are working for good. I turn my fear over to You. Amen.

This Weekend's Gift

Thanks be to God for His indescribable gift!
-2 Corinthians 9:15


I seem to be having an out of body experience. Physically, I’m at my apartment, charged from a run and preparing for the rest of the afternoon. Mentally, however, I am sitting on a dock, looking out at a sparkling blue bay that eventually turns into the vast currents of Lake Michigan. There are sunrays staining my skin and two swans gliding through the water on the other end of the bay. The wind is singing gently through the tall grass, which sways to the tune.

There is great mystery in the music of the island, a lifestyle straight out of a movie no one believes until they experience it themselves. This weekend, I was taken captive by its magic. A friend of mine lives on Washington Island, this picturesque place in Door County you can only access by ferry boat. It’s the kind of world where everyone knows everyone, where you see someone working in one of the local restaurants, the kind that have lights strung around the room and carved wooden seats, and they ask how your family is doing. You carry on a conversation throughout your meal, and then you see them singing in the church choir the next day. Regulars who visit for the weekend or week make friendships with each other and swap stories of old, peppered with relatives who first inhabited the island. And when they depart to their lives on the mainland, there is much laughter and hugs and arms outstretched through the window in final farewell.

It’s the land of winding roads, twisting through open fields and between thickets of trees, the blue of the lake dancing around branches. Driving in the cab of my friend’s truck, knees tucked under my chin and the hum of guitar breezing through the stereo, I watched this world roll on before me while our other friend spoke of God’s beauty in the seat behind me.

We were on an exploration, a great adventure across the island and I imagined myself there, at the end of our journey, curled up on the smooth lime stones at the beach, galaxies of stars above me, deliriously happy.

And that night, as the Northern Lights twirled and stretched to Heaven, I was.

My weekend was a gift. A dreamy delight wrapped in sun and stars and crystal blues, handed to me by God. He watched me smile the whole time, the marvel in my heart and the soothing of my soul that I so desperately needed. He saw my happiness and took great joy in my revelry. This trip was where I felt God’s presence most prevalent, where each morning I sat out on the pier and quieted myself in the silence, and I thanked Him for this breathtaking treasure hunt He brought me on.

He longs to speak to you, too. To give you a personal gift that fits into the perfect spot in your heart. He wants to see you smile, see you joyfully overflowing in awe and thankfulness for the special time the two of you spend together. He wants you happy, He wants to find something that will make you feel alive, feel rested, feel completely wrapped up in a beautiful dream. You can have Him in your heart, you can listen for the quiet words He whispers when you think you’re crossed in static. And you can see the tiny, stolen moments of beauty as a present from the One through whom all gifts are made. Open up this gift, Beloved. See how it’s exactly what you’ve always wanted.

Prayer:
Father, I thank You that You take care of me and know exactly what I need, when I need it. Thank You that You restore my soul and surprise me with beauty beyond anything I could have imagined. Let me look for those magic moments when You reveal Yourself to me, and when they come my way, let me hold them lovingly in my hand and never let them go. Amen.

Worth the Wait

“What strength do I have, that I should still hope? What prospects, that I should be patient?”
-Job 6:11


Waiting.

We are waiting for an adventure, to be swept up in a swirl of story, a fairy tale with singing animals and a dashing prince to claim us as his own.

But we are timid. Afraid of all that pulses beneath our veins and afraid to want too much. When we find we are tumbling down a hill of hope, we tilt our head to the sky and watch the clouds spin together. We are childlike, barely breathing for fear one loud exhale might send the whole glass house we’re living in shattering to the ground.

So we step cautiously over the line, crossing into our vulnerability and exposing the underbelly shadows of belief. Sometimes, it is beautiful. A rainbow across the air, a smile sewn on our face. And other times, we are broken, defeated, torn with a realization that there is no happy ending in this fantasy. And we crawl under covers in the secret of our room, turn our face into the soft scent of sadness and mourn for the loss of our heart.

Why are we wired so? To long for love and seek it in the tiniest cracks of our shaking hearts? Our bodies are cool with a yearning for fire.

Yet there is a burning in us all. A raw, ripping desire to be found, taken up in strong arms and never released. To know that someone sees our faults, our quirks, the bruises beneath our skin, and turns them beautiful. Unique. Befitting to us, and only us.

We wait. Wait when the world tells us it is foolish to wish on wings of angels for something heavenly. Our expectations are too high, and if we stack them up again the weight will bring them barreling down. But the tiny torch within won’t falter, won’t lose its oxygen and fold into itself, into darkness. Because somehow, against all odds, against all reason, we are dreamers. And we sit in our towers, hair blown about the wind and belief on our breath, facing the horizon, watching for that prince in the distance, for his galloping horse rushing closer and closer. And when he dismounts, eyes upward and tangled in ours, we will know that our time in the tower is up. That it’s time to fly, feel the flush of forever on our face.

There is reality in this undaunted delight. A true castle in the sky, where a dashing Prince is preparing to profess His devotion to His bride to be.

Let’s hold hope. Hold on to the promise that the best is yet to come. There is a Man who will wait for us, who will always be captivated by our softly breathing heartstrings and the connecting corners of our soul. Who will fight for us and draw us to His side. For He desires His Beloved, and no other will do. Because He knows we are worth it.


Prayer:
Lord in Heaven, I am human. I am woman. I long to be desired and taken under the strong arms of another. My heart is hopeful, yet feebly frail. If I open it up again it just may break beyond repair. But You say that You love me. With a blaze, a fire, a forever kind of love. Please show me that You do, that You want me, specifically, personally. And let me lean on You for strength, for the love I so long for. You are beautiful, and all I ever need. Amen.