What I've Been Missing

May Your unfailing love be my comfort, according to Your promise to Your servant.
-Psalm 119:76


It’s You I’ve been missing.

I have been wanting someone to want me, care for me, love me and see me as special, and all along it has been You singing these words straight back to me.

You have been patient, endlessly patient. My mind has strayed too many times on names that never last. Though through my wandering, You’ve whispered to me a name. A Name above all names, a beautiful symphony I’d turned down the volume to.

I’ve been out of focus, focusing on someone to fill the longing in my heart that brings refreshment for a moment but never fully satisfies.

I am weak. I don’t know which crumbles quicker, my head or my heart. I am wrapped in flesh and fueled by the desire to be desired.

Yet here You’ve been, breathing on my face a promising fragrance that blooms inside my soul. You long for me to release my hopes and delicately place them in Your hands. Like a lover who has bolted out of fear, my feet have carried me far from You. Yet You pursue me through the valley and into a thicket of thoughtlessness. You untangle me from the thorns I’ve lodged into my skin and sweep up the strength dangling by the last chord of stubbornness hanging inside so I fall soundly in Your embrace.

You carry me back to where You reside, a fortress built with sturdy promises. And as I drift into a serene slumber, You brush away the dust in my heart and press Your palm into the softened space. Your imprint entwines inside me, and I gladly bear the brand of One who loves me with an all-consuming blaze.


Prayer:
Lord, You have been the missing piece to my puzzle. There is a hole in my heart that only You can fill. Please, come and consume me. Set me ablaze in Your love and surround me with the promise that You will never let me go. Amen.

Wisdom's Radiance

Who is like the wise man?
Who knows the explanation of things?
Wisdom brightens a man’s face
and changes its hard appearance.
-Ecclesiastes 8:1


A white dot.

Small, seemingly insignificant.

It’s in the distance, over the horizon, quietly blinking.

You think it’s a star and settle in to watch the night sky.

But it’s moving.

Slowly, so slowly you don’t pick up on it. As it draws nearer, it grows. The dot becomes the size of a marble, then a baseball, and as it increases in size, it becomes vibrant, intense.

Suddenly, the sky is engulfed with this light. You shield your eyes, and as you do you notice it continues to move in your direction. The light is blazing, and a white hot heat runs over your skin. Your heart hammers, practically pulling out of your chest. You don’t know why, but you long for this light more than you’ve ever craved anything else. There is a rush of warmth swarming through your veins, and that light continues to crawl through the air, shifting lower, lower, until it hovers just above your head.

You raise your eyes to meet this moment. Like a July breeze, the light wraps around your face, kisses your skin and scrambles for your soul. Electricity shoots through you, yet no pain follows. The current calms you, claims you as its own. You are bolder with this branding. And as the illuminating glow reverberates inside, you know at once that your heart has been blackened with a blinded darkness until the light broke through with such force your body is helpless to do anything but surrender to its arrival.

You know, with certainty, that the aching your soul harbored is gone forever, and is now replaced with a golden light exploding around you.

The world sees this radiance upon you and yearns to ignite with the same burning promise.


Prayer:
You are holy. You are the blazing in my breast, the Light that fills my sky. Father, You are wisdom, You are understanding, You reach down for me to know You. Thank You for presenting Your light in my darkness. May I remember what You give to me and be covered in Your beautiful promise of life eternal. Amen.

Fire in My Bones

His word is in my heart like a fire,
a fire shut up in my bones.
I am weary of holding it in;
indeed, I cannot.
-Jeremiah 20:9


My heart needs to burn.

For something. For someone. I need to feel needles pricking my skin, leaving imprints on my soul. I need to be blinded by beauty, drunk on dreams. I need to cling to God’s word like it is the only tree left in a falling forest.

My eyes- they must blaze. Must sweep in every fragment of this unending universe and zoom in on the tiny miracles happening beneath the naked eye.

My hands must shake with sweetness, must roam every wonder and feel their texture beneath my nails.

My feet must flash through feeling, must race to where all I dare hope for comes true. They must carry me quickly to the cross.

I have been summoned. I have tasted desire and crave more. I need my blood to boil in my veins, to bubble and spit heated liquid that overflows in my anatomy, bursts in my bones. I need it to spill into my mind and turn reasoning into rapture. To slip in my skull and crack open the hardness of my stubborn streak, empty out my vanity and fill it with a stream of submission.

I have been awakened to all that howled beneath my indifference. I have been roused, and am ignited by every electric beauty that has been poured into my purpose.

You have released me.


Prayer:
Lord, I want to come alive at the mention of Your name. I want to burn with a consuming fire with Your face imprinted on my heart. I want Your love coursing through me, breaking through barriers and I need You completely taking me over. Overflow me, pour out Your power and beauty in my veins. Let the world see me shine because of Your light streaking through me. Amen.

Freedom

But the man who looks intently into the perfect law that gives freedom, and continues to do this, not forgetting what he has heard, but doing it- he will be blessed in what he does.
-James 1:25


We Americans live in a country blessed by God’s riches and mercy. We can make choices on occupations, what we’re having for dinner and even the freedom to speak loosely about friends, family, and those in higher power. Anything we feel like doing or saying, we can, and can get away with it. We live in bounty, in abundance and comfort. And our finite minds tend to focus on how we ourselves got this way- not on the actuality of why we live the way we do.

I know I personally forget about the tiniest of blessings I am given. I take this beautiful country for granted, the freedom to walk out my door and to a car that gets me to my job, which provides income for me to pay my bills. I have a roof over my head and food in my stomach, and I never lack love. But I take it as a right, not a gift. I might not have the same things tomorrow I have today. I may not have a breath left in the morning. I am a blade of grass, swaying in the wind.

There is another freedom I take for granted- freedom from sin. Freedom in Christ. Because He willingly suffered on the cross, for all my wrong doings when He knew no wrong, and gladly traded in His life for mine I am saved. I am no longer a prisoner of principle and slave to sin. I am free. I have power through His penance.

We are blessed by God’s great mercy, His grace and His selfless love. Without His Son to save us from death, we would be bound to eternal separation from the Almighty. And through this amazing sacrifice, we can walk in wisdom and live in life-giving liberty.

Take time to thank those who have served this brave and beautiful country. Enjoy everything this day stands for and never, ever take what we have in America for granted. But also thank God for His greatest gift of all- our spiritual freedom. Without the power of the resurrection, we’d be left in a lonely abyss.


Prayer:
Father, thank You for all You have done for me. My salvation, Your love, the gift of living in eternity with You. Thank You for this beautiful country built upon Your foundation. Let us continue to seek after You and live our lives according to Your great and perfect will. Amen.

Love Me Anyway

Give thanks to the Lord, for He is good. His love endures forever.
-Psalm 136:1


You love me through my faults. Through my failures. And when I am never enough, You are more. I seek answers in empty corners, in vases of vanity with the bottoms cut out so the water of my shame rushes relentlessly to the floor. I attempt to fix my mistakes, carving deeper into the canyons of self-reliance but creating no lasting image. I falter in my doubts, in acknowledging that this time, this time I must have gone too far. That I am unable to be saved.

Then You reach for me with a hand of hope. An embrace that offers me warmth coursing through me and an absolution for all I have turned to ash. I am saved by grace. Your sweet, unending grace.

Do I deserve unlimited forgiveness? Absolutely not. Do I get it, over and over and over again? Amazingly, yes! To think that a perfect and holy God of creation could look at me, a meager, imperfect sinner as I stumble a hundred and two times and still love me, still pardon my inadequacies- well, it’s quite breathtaking, actually.

These lyrics from the song “You Love Me Anyway” by Sidewalk Prophets hit my heart with their portrayal of the ultimate admission to my sinful and selfish soul:

I am the thorn in Your crown
But You love me anyway
I am the sweat from Your brow
But You love me anyway
I am the nail in Your wrist
But You love me anyway
I am Judas’ kiss
But You love me anyway
See now, I am the man that called out from the crowd
For Your blood to be spilled on this earth shaking ground
Yes then, I turned away with this smile on my face
With this sin in my heart tried to bury Your grace
And then alone in the night, I still called out for You
So ashamed of my life, my life, my life…
But You love me anyway.

We are the spear in His side and the tear in His eye. But He loves us anyway. Amen for that!


Prayer:
Father, I fail you again and again, wallowing in my self-pity and set on my own desires. I hurt You, I forget You, I push You to the back of my mind. Yet there You stand, loving me and saving me from myself. Thank You. For still loving me in my foolish pride, for wanting me to love You back. It will never be repaid. Amen.

I Vow

As a bridegroom rejoices over his bride, so will your God rejoice over you.
-Isaiah 62:5


I vow…
To dance with you in the rain.
To wake with you each morning and watch you sleep each night.
To guard your heart and armor it with My own.
To cherish you, completely.
To never cause your diamond eyes to lose their sparkle.
To see your peculiarities and find them fascinating.
To make you laugh and never cry. But if tears should shed on account of someone else, I promise to take each teardrop and toss them high into the sky, where they can dissipate into the atmosphere.

I vow…
To shower you with song.
To hold your heart up when it wants to collapse.
To let you know how beautiful you are, especially when you don’t believe this truth.
To tell you it will be alright, because, in the end, it will.
To be aware of all the things that make you smile, like tulips and the smell of coffee, and place them in your path to make an ordinary day special.
To paint the night in cosmic patterns at your request.
To lay down My life for you.

I vow…
To never rest until you are nestled securely in My arms.


Prayer:
Thank You for Your all consuming love. Thank You that you love me deeply and intimately, as no other has loved me before. I want to accept this love, believe it and soak it sweetly in my heart. Let me love you back wholeheartedly. Amen.

Hand Made

Your hands shaped me and made me. –Job 10:8


Before your lungs exhaled their first peals of life, I was here. Before you were even a joyous welcome announcement to your family, I knew you would be around. I created you with just the right colors in your soft hair, the curve of your smile, the dance in your eyes. I never intended for the creases in your brow, the downcast shading of your eyelids, the slump in your posture.

Darling, I created you in My image. And I saw that it was good. My hands reached into your heart and cradled your soul. I massaged the chambers into life, to pump a lifesong throughout your body. To move your feet to find the doorstep of a friend in need. To mold your hands and entwine them through the fingers of another, to breathe My air into their veins. My Dear, you are divinely created. Divinely set apart to stand straight and brim with My beauty. When the earth formed by My voice, I had your face already plastered in My mind. I made this world knowing one day I would bring you into it. To watch you smile at a stranger and to dream with delicate hope. It pains Me when you don’t see your value.

My Beautiful One, I love you. With a consuming fire. Feel it. Feel the flames lick your skin, sear your soul. With an avalanche of affection coursing through you. Don’t try to outrun this landslide. Let it overtake you, let My words bury you in truth, let My gaze course over you like rainfall in the dry season. Fix your eyes on Me. Fix your worth on who you are in My presence. Because, Beloved, I am captivated with my creation. I am captivated by YOU.


Prayer:
Creator, I cannot begin to understand the depths of Your love for me. But as deep as I love my family and my friends, You love me a thousand times more. Help me to realize this, Lord. Help me realize that You are relentless in Your pursuit of my affection. Please let Your love crash over me. Amen.